How One Family Survived Reactive Attachment Disorder in a Broken System
- Micaela Myers
- Jan 6
- 8 min read
Samuel and Samantha’s biological sons were 3 and 6 when they brought home Faith, age 3, and Chrissy, age 2, from Haiti.
Samuel first felt the call to adopt a couple of years prior. After Samantha read “Saving Levi” about an abandoned baby in China and attended a talk by the author, she was also ready.
“A lady at our church was running an orphanage in Haiti,” she recalls. “I learned that in Haiti, children sometimes eat dirt biscuits to stave off hunger. It broke my heart thinking about my little boys, if they lived in Haiti, eating dirt, and so the Lord just laid it on my heart at that point.”
They began the adoption process, but the 2010 earthquake hastened the girls' homecoming.
The Early Days Before Reactive Attachment Disorder Diagnoses
At first, the girls seemed to bond with their sons, and Samuel and Samantha were hopeful, but there were also early signs of trouble. Faith would stiffen when hugged or shown any affection. To get to sleep, she’d self-soothe, shaking her head back and forth and rubbing her feet together. Chrissy was the opposite, insistent on clinging to Samantha with all her might.
“It was exhausting, but we thought that maybe attachment was happening. But we saw signs and suspected Faith was not attaching,” Samuel recalls.
Chrissy, however, would throw explosive fits, slamming the doors over and over again, chanting, “I want to go back to Haiti.”
“It was very difficult when she'd go into those moods,” Samuel says. “Faith was more passive-aggressive.”
Faith would pinch their son hard, making him cry, then burst into tears herself, insisting he was the one who had hurt her. After she learned to use the toilet, she began peeing on all exposed carpeting in her bedroom when she was angry at Samuel and Samantha.
They’d heard of reactive attachment disorder but associated it with orphans from Eastern Block countries. “We had asked if kids from Haiti had RAD, and they said, ‘No, kids from Haiti don't have RAD,’” Samantha recalls.
So when these early behaviors emerged, they had no framework for understanding what they were actually witnessing. Without that knowledge — and without professionals who recognized the signs — they navigated these frightening behaviors alone, long before the larger system would misunderstand them too.
Related reading: "What Reactive Attachment Disorder Looks Like Across the Spectrum in Real Families"
Escalating Issues
As the girls aged, their behavior escalated. By 2018, Faith started talking about suicide. Other times, she’d be unreachable, banging her head and repeating phrases. In the orphanage since 3-weeks-old, she also started to hear the voice of her birth mother, telling her she wasn’t safe in their home.
“It was these psychotic-type episodes, where she was not fully present, but something was going on,” Samuel says.
When Samantha tried to take her to a new faith-based youth group meeting, Faith had a breakdown, hitting her head against a rock pillar over and over again.
Faith regressed to toddler-like behavior and speech, and they’d find her wandering about the house at 2 a.m., saying she needed to take a walk. She would also rage. Sometimes the rage turned violent. Once, Faith tried to hit Samantha over the head with a dumbbell. They installed alarms and worked closely with her therapist, all to no avail.
“She would threaten to kill us, chop us up and feed us to the dogs, or pluck out our eyeballs and feed them to the dogs,” Samantha says. “She'd try to run away, so we put an air mattress in our bedroom to make sure she was safe and didn’t leave the house, and to keep everyone else safe. But then everyone else was scared because she'd have these episodes and scream, and the other kids wanted mom and dad to comfort them, but we couldn’t leave her alone. It was a horrible, hard time, and there were times we had to call the police.”
Even bonding activities activated Faith.
“If I tried to do calming things like touching her hair or rubbing some lotion on her hands, she went ballistic,” Samantha says. “It was like you were trying to drown her — a horrible fight or flight response. She also had different personalities at times.”
Meanwhile, Chrissy refused to go to therapy and was also having issues. Along the way, both girls received reactive attachment disorder diagnoses.
Breaking Points of Reactive Attachment Disorder
Even with all the knives locked up, in the spring of 2023, at age 16, Faith found a sharp object and tried to stab Samantha. Luckily, Samuel was able to catch Faith and disarm her before serious injuries occurred. Next, Faith found a cantaloupe-sized rock and started throwing it over and over at the front door. The escalation continued, and eventually they called the police. Faith was charged with menacing.
“We had been trying for months to get her into a facility,” Samuel recalls, but none would accept her, denying her for all manner of things, from her IQ to her nighttime incontinence.
They weren’t denied because Faith didn’t need help — they were denied because the system isn’t built for children with complex trauma.
When these early behaviors emerged, they had no framework for understanding what they were actually witnessing. Without that knowledge — and without professionals who recognized the signs — they navigated these frightening behaviors alone, long before the larger system would misunderstand them too.
A resource finally emerged from a family they knew whose son was at a facility for troubled youth in Jamaica. Although the facility wasn’t currently accepting applications, the family friend was able to help them secure the one open bed being held for an emergency intake.
“We had to have a transporter take her because we didn't believe that she could be safe with us and not cause an issue on an international flight,” Samuel recalls. “I still have no idea how we afforded all of it. People we knew would pitch in. Faith was there for a little over two years.”
“She was getting the best care she could get,” Samantha adds. “They did brain scans and everything. You could see the healing happening.”
They had weekly calls with Faith, and things seemed to be going better. “We had really high hopes that things were going to be really good, but things have not gone well since she came back,” Samantha shares.
Related reading: "Why Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder Feel Safer at Institutions Than at Home"
Faith was given a developmental disability determination and now lives in host homes through a Medicaid waiver. However, due to her behavior, she’s unable to keep her host homes, often ending up in the psychiatric units of hospitals before finding new placements.
They only hear from her occasionally, when she wants something. Soon, she is set to be arraigned as an adult for charges from assault and attempted strangulation of one of her providers.
“We had been trying for months to get her into a facility,” Samuel recalls, but none would accept her, denying her for all manner of things, from her IQ to her nighttime incontinence. They weren’t denied because Faith didn’t need help — they were denied because the system isn’t built for children with complex trauma.
Chrissy, meanwhile, also took a dangerous path. After attacking her boyfriend, she was given a no-contact order that she violated. She also overdosed on NyQuil and antibiotics.
“We took her into the hospital, where she was admitted to the psychiatric unit, but all she did there was talk to the other girls and get a plan together for how she was going to get out of our house, which was what she wanted,” Samantha shares
“She wanted to emancipate early, but there is no legal emancipation in the state of Colorado,” Samuel adds.
So, Chrissy took a different route.
“She attacked us intentionally and did not stop until the police arrived, and then even fought them so that she got out of the house,” Samuel says. “We were the victims, but in court, she and her court-appointed team spun it and twisted it in so many ways.”
Chrissy did not want to return to their home and was eventually placed in foster care.
“She worked that foster system to get what she wanted,” Samuel says, recalling her new provocative clothing and costly hair extensions.
The courts even tried to come after Samuel and Samantha with dependency and neglect charges.
It is a devastating example, too familiar to many parents, of how quickly the system can misread families living with developmental trauma — and how easily support can turn into accusation.
Related reading: 3 Lessons I Learned the Hard Way After Getting Arrested While Raising a Child With RAD
Understanding, at Last
“When Chrissy was arrested, we called and connected with Amy VanTine at RAD Advocates,” Samuel says. “She showed up in court and at staffings via video conference and helped talk us through everything. I can't imagine having gone through it without Amy guiding us and explaining to us what was happening and what the system was doing.”
For the first time, they had someone who could translate the system, anticipate how agencies might misinterpret their situation, and help them protect their family.
When it was all said and done, and they were out of legal danger, Amy also helped them find a path toward healing.
“She gave me permission to have days where I am completely unproductive,” Samuel shares. “I've never been a person to go to a counselor, but after Chrissy's attack, I did find a counselor after years and years of trying to handle all this trauma on our own.”
Now, they are trying to reconnect as a family and build new shared traditions with their adult sons.
RAD Advocates Amy VanTine "showed up in court and at staffings via video conference and helped talk us through everything. I can't imagine having gone through it without Amy guiding us and explaining to us what was happening and what the system was doing.”
When asked how the system needs to change, Samuel jokes, “Every lawyer and every judge in the process needs to adopt every child with RAD that comes through their court because how do you change something when you don't understand it?”
He adds, “You can take my child and put them into another foster home by calling me a bad guy, but that doesn't help anybody.”
Samuel continues, “I tell everyone about RAD Advocates because it's been so helpful for us.
For Samuel and Samantha, being understood changed the trajectory of their story — and it’s the committed community behind RAD Advocates that makes it possible for the grassroots organization to keep standing with families until no one has to navigate this system alone.
Feeling lost on the RAD parenting journey?
You’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Connect with RAD Advocates to find real answers from those who’ve walked this path, no matter where you are along the journey.
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