Sonya* and Stephen* have spent decades nurturing their family and opening their home to children in need, fostering numerous children and raising two of their own, one whom they adopted. Their journey took a life-altering turn when they welcomed Brock*, a 6-year-old boy who had spent time in a therapeutic group home. Despite their years of experience, they were unprepared for the challenges posed by Brock's eventual diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma disorder, leading them to RAD Advocates.
We chatted with Sonya to hear her story, an account of her family’s resilience and the hard truths they’ve learned while navigating life with reactive attachment disorder.
Question 1: What were the issues and behaviors you faced with Brock?
Sonya's answer: We were told Brock just needed love that only a family could give. We flipped our whole home upside down to create a therapeutic-style environment to mimic what the group home provided him. Coming from a group home, his life experiences had been very limited. Simple things in our life like grocery shopping and football games were foreign to him. Even having his own room was quite overwhelming.
Brock always needed a predictable environment with a lot of routine, structure and firm boundaries. From the time he came home, he would say after a tough day, “One day you're going to call CPS to come get me.” No amount of reassurance could convince him otherwise. Then a day came where he said, "If you're not going to call them, I am." He began to say that he wanted out of our home.
He raged for hours with excessive lying, stealing, threatening to harm our animals, hiding weapons, making weapons, setting traps for our animals, coming into our room at night, threatening to run away, charging at us aggressively, desiring to be restrained and talking about making false allegations. These behaviors were mildly there at the beginning but escalated drastically in a six-month time frame at age 12.
We installed cameras, door alarms and other safety measures. He then starting making false allegations, resulting in investigations for our family. He would attack us, testing to see if we would call 911 so that he could be removed from us. This resulted in him being arrested and charged with family violence assault. He desperately wanted out of our care.
My husband and I tried to do everything together to manage his behaviors and avoid manipulation. I left my career to try to get him all the help we could, only to desperately need to return to my career five years later to try and offset the cost of an out-of-home placement.
This life is absolutely maddening. I spent many hours looking for help and resting while he was at school, as well as coordinating his team/keeping them up to date. Our sleep was greatly affected, as he would get up for all sorts of things in the middle of the night. We feared for our lives and against false allegations.
Currently, he’s at an out-of-home placement, which creates a whole different list of challenges in issues and behaviors. Surprisingly, we’re navigating that with even less resources. We have sacrificed and lost so much. The nature of this disorder is that the behaviors are behind closed doors. This leaves you defenseless to those outside of your home.
Our daughter did not want to leave our home, even after becoming an adult, as she felt the need to protect us. She was convinced he would try to kill us. Our oldest son didn’t feel like he could come home from college, as his things would get stolen and the chaos was too much.
Question 2: What treatments/approaches did you try?
Sonya's answer: We had begun play therapy when he first came home and continued that along with family, attachment and individual counseling as he got older. This included many modalities. We continued in our education with post-adoption services. We did speech, occupational therapy and utilized our mental health authorities. He qualified for all sorts of services through our local mental health authority, but they only had the staff to give us a mentor. We were initially trained in TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) and SAMA (Satori Alternatives to Managing Aggression), which are trust-based and de-escalation techniques.
The nature of this disorder is that the behaviors are behind closed doors. This leaves you defenseless to those outside of your home.
We also had many trainings through the state, as we had been foster parents for over 10 years when he came home. We lived a very structured, scheduled life with lots of modalities in place. We had a solid team around as well. We eventually landed in our local emergency rooms with multiple in-patient stays as well as out-of-home placements. While we were being investigated, the department informed us that we were doing everything right, that we could expect him to continue to get worse, and their suggestion was to get him on disability.
Question 3: How did you find RAD Advocates?
Sonya's answer: We were desperately searching for help on the internet and came across a conference that was being put on by RAD Advocates in about six weeks! We didn’t have a diagnosis at the time, but the reviews seemed to be what our family needed. The conference was what we desperately needed, as we discovered that we were not alone. It was such a time of camaraderie. They helped us sort through our priorities of health and safety for the whole family: physical, mental, marital, etc. Everything had been revolving around our child with reactive attachment disorder, and all else came second to those behaviors so that we could survive. It’s normal to do this when someone is sick, for example, but you can’t live with this kind of chaos and chronic stress for years.
We were desperately searching for help on the internet and came across a conference that was being put on by RAD Advocates in about six weeks! We didn’t have a diagnosis at the time, but the reviews seemed to be what our family needed. The conference was what we desperately needed, as we discovered that we were not alone.
We felt very equipped after the conference and literally had a road map, even should some of our worst fears come to light. The timing could not have been more perfect as just a week later, we received a call late one night that the out-of-home placement was shutting down and that we needed to immediately pick up our child. This set off a series of events that was a nightmare.
We remembered RAD Advocates and joined their higher-level membership. Soon multiple agencies were involved with several investigators calling and threatening us. I had already called in every resource I knew with no help from law enforcement or state representatives.
Amy VanTine at RAD Advocates was like a beacon of light pointing me through this nightmare, helping to guide us every step. She not only did that but was also watching after us parents and helping us take care of the other family members. I truly thought I would end up in jail just trying to protect my child with reactive attachment disorder and my family. I’m convinced that I would have if it were not for RAD Advocates.
Everything had been revolving around our child with reactive attachment disorder, and all else came second to those behaviors so that we could survive. It’s normal to do this when someone is sick, for example, but you can’t live with this kind of chaos and chronic stress for years.
Question 4: What is your advice to other families going through this?
Sonya's answer: Truly this disorder affects the entire family unit and should be treated as such. It is traumatic and devastating to every member. You need to be prepared with a solid safety plan for all the family members including pets. I cannot stress the importance of respite, solid support and a RAD-knowledgeable team surrounding not just your child but your family.
Question 5: What changes are needed to better help families dealing with RAD/developmental trauma?
Sonya's answer: Awareness/education of reactive attachment disorder and specific help from the beginning of our journey would have been ideal. We had no idea what we were really dealing with until we were in crisis. Prior to crisis, we were working hard from the beginning as we knew we had so much crucial time to make up for. The time and money of seven years could’ve been better spent had we known the truth of our reality. Most of the treatment made our child worse, even things that were trust and safety based, as he didn’t trust or feel safe with us.
Amy VanTine at RAD Advocates was like a beacon of light pointing me through this nightmare, helping to guide us every step. She not only did that but was also watching after us parents and helping us take care of the other family members.
Child welfare, his counselors, therapists, school, mental health facility, etc., all failed him due to lack of education about reactive attachment disorder. Once we knew, then WE tried to educate his team, but that’s futile, as we are not the professionals. Even still, our psychiatrist refuses to acknowledge this diagnosis, as there is so much controversy. Call it what you want, just help. Thankfully, we had one RAD-informed therapist that came onto the team as we were approaching crisis.
Families need to be equipped from the beginning with ongoing resources/education to provide what’s needed. When it comes to those in child welfare, this should be everyone’s responsibility and priority. Please stop those in authority from threatening our families and help us. This includes everyone from the district attorneys to the counselors.
Question 6: What is your version of success for your family?
Sonya's answer: I’m hoping that we can all heal and find a new normal. This journey has been physically, emotionally, mentally, financially and socially devastating for our entire family. Personally, I hope to stay true to myself and be found faithful to my Lord and husband. I’m choosing to remain hopeful despite a system that continues to fail my child. We hope that we can keep him from further abusing us and our other family members. I want to continue to offer forgiveness despite the abuse. I hope to continue offering that to the original family that profoundly damaged my child’s brain without consequence. I hope to avoid further collateral damage for attempting to stand in the gap for children without a family or with this disorder.
Child welfare, his counselors, therapists, school, mental health facility, etc., all failed him due to lack of education about reactive attachment disorder. Once we knew, then WE tried to educate his team, but that’s futile, as we are not the professionals.
Question 7: Anything else you'd like to add about parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder?
Sonya's answer: The grief and failure. It seems like a predictable set up that these children cannot accept your love without some serious intervention that families in crisis have to try and unearth. Nothing can prepare you for the grief that comes with loving a child with an attachment disorder. Every corner you turn for help points the finger at your parenting and what new book or technique you can do. You feel crazy and like an absolute failure.
I hope to avoid further collateral damage for attempting to stand in the gap for children without a family or with this disorder.
I truly don’t understand why there’s not help nor why we were not prepared or equipped to care for our child despite the many hours of training. We are left with being another notch of failure in his life, and we are wrecked to our core. This should not be okay to do this to children or the families who take them in to love as their own.
The horrific nature of this disorder, where families are isolated and left to the chaos behind closed doors, compounds the trauma impact. The children with the disorder have typically gained a family but are left without the help from professionals to accept that family’s love. And who gets in trouble? It’s certainly not the original families or professionals, but the ones instead that are lied to that the child only needs the love of a family. The disorder, in fact, creates disorder in that entire family.
Reactive Attachment Disorder: The Role of Advocacy and Support
The courage and unwavering love shown by Sonya and Stephen exemplify the immense strength required to care for a child with reactive attachment disorder. Their journey reveals the cracks in the systems meant to support these families and underscores the critical need for education, awareness and specialized resources. Despite profound struggles and loss, Sonya and Stephen remain hopeful, choosing to believe in healing, forgiveness and faith as they work toward a new normal.
The horrific nature of this disorder, where families are isolated and left to the chaos behind closed doors, compounds the trauma impact. The children with the disorder have typically gained a family but are left without the help from professionals to accept that family’s love.
Organizations like RAD Advocates continue to stand in the gap for families like ours, offering guidance, support and a lifeline in their darkest moments. As the need for understanding and systemic change grows, RAD Advocates remains committed to ensuring that no family navigating reactive attachment disorder has to face the journey alone.
*names changed to protect privacy
Комментарии