Before I became a mom, I misinterpreted lots of parents. For the classic grocery store meltdown, I thought, "Just give your kid the cookie already.” I’m sure I felt a little more patience or discipline would go a long way. Or, I thought to myself, don’t bring your kid to the store when they’re tired or hungry. And if all else fails, cookie.
Now that I’m a mother myself, I see these scenarios through a different lens. I empathize more and realize that the whole situation — which I’m only seeing a tiny part of — is rarely as simple as it looks.
But as a parent of a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), otherwise known as developmental trauma disorder (DTD), I don’t often receive this same empathy from other parents. Many parents seem to place their template of parenting neurotypical children on my life which leads to a whole slew of misunderstanding and confusion. Their misunderstandings, which feel very much like judgments, are usually hurtful. But they have often caused harm as well.
Developmental trauma is complex — a baffling, misleading, and deceptive disorder. It can distort reality from the outside looking in. But that doesn’t mean what others see accurately reflects what’s really happening in families with children who have the disorder.
Here’s an example:
When my biological son was born four years after adopting our older son with RAD, my oldest struggled immensely with the transition. I’d often hear, “All kids have trouble adjusting to a new sibling,” which is true. But the difference is that children with reactive attachment disorder face challenges on a much more intense, frequent, and prolonged level than neurotypical children.
One day, my parents witnessed me react strongly when my son with RAD threw his infant brother’s blanket on the ground, and they were shocked and disappointed by my reaction. What they didn’t know was that earlier, he’d threatened to smother his infant brother with that same blanket. They also didn’t know that he’d ripped shelves out of the wall — shelves that were screwed into studs — with his bare hands, torn them apart, and created a sharp weapon with a 4-inch screw sticking out of it. He’d hidden this in his closet and called it “his weapon.” What my parents saw was simply an innocent child accidentally dropping a blanket and a stressed-out mother overreacting. This was far from reality.
Many parents seem to place their template of parenting neurotypical children on my life which leads to a whole slew of misunderstanding and confusion.
Sadly, I was too overwhelmed with keeping my infant safe to explain the full situation to my parents. And since my son with reactive attachment disorder is so cute and charming, I’m honestly not sure if they would have believed me.
We all misunderstand others from time to time — it’s human. When people see something that doesn’t look right, it might feel natural to report it to child welfare authorities. This is especially challenging for mandated reporters, like teachers and child-care providers, who are legally required to report suspected abuse or neglect. However, this approach can have serious consequences for families dealing with developmental trauma and child-to-parent abuse. Research shows that mandatory reporting often does more harm than good. Most reports are unsubstantiated after investigation, yet they can trigger harmful consequences.
As Kelly Fong of Princeton University Press states, Child Protective Services (CPS) investigations “carry profound costs for the families subject to them, even in cases when the agency promptly closes out after investigating, as is typical.”
False Accusations, a Common Symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder
To complicate matters even further, it is common for a child with RAD/DTD to falsely accuse their parent or another family member of abuse or neglect due to the nature of the disorder. “False allegations are, tragically, a typical part of life for those parenting children with the disorder,” says RAD Advocates Chief Operating Officer Heather Houze. “Because the children feel terrified of attachment, they’ll do anything to keep the nurturing away. To allege or infer abuse and neglect is an effective means to do so.”
This dynamic is deeply confusing and damaging for parents who have dedicated so much time, resources, and love to their child. It can harm the parent-child relationship — which is often the child’s intent, as they try to push away one of the critical components they need most — stable and loving caregivers.
Consequences Families of Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder Face From CPS Investigations:
Financial Hardship
Costs vary widely by state and the specifics of each investigation. Best case, an investigation is deemed unfounded and costs the parents some time. Worst case, the family must incur legal fees, court costs, job loss, and more. One family I know personally has spent over $50,000 in legal fees to clear their name and they will likely lose their business. The cost of losing your livelihood is incalculable.
Separation from Services
When parents lose trust in professionals who are supposed to help, they avoid seeking support. Personally, my family reached a crisis where we needed intense in-home interventions for our son. But it felt safer to pursue outside placement than to call the agencies meant to assist us. This is the sad reality for many families like ours — separation feels safer than seeking services.
Stigmatization
Families dealing with RAD or DTD may face blame or ostracism from their communities, friends, and family due to the disorder’s confusing and deceptive nature. The lack of awareness and accurate education about reactive attachment disorder further isolates these families.
As a RAD/DTD parent, being reported to protective services cuts deep. It’s a shameful, intrusive, and shocking experience. When the report is made by someone you trust, such as a relative, teacher, child-care provider, friend, or neighbor, the betrayal will permanently damage those relationships.
"False allegations are, tragically, a typical part of life for those parenting children with the disorder,” says RAD Advocates Chief Operating Officer Heather Houze. “Because the children feel terrified of attachment, they’ll do anything to keep the nurturing away. To allege or infer abuse and neglect is an effective means to do so.”
Anxiety and Stress
Imagine being a child who fears adults because your earliest memories involve adults taking you from your parents or causing harm. Now imagine strange adults arriving at your home or school to ask you questions. This would be terrifying for any child, let alone one with a trauma history. And for parents, imagine the anxiety and stress of being falsely accused. Who would believe an adult over an “innocent” child?
The Need for Reform in Support of Families of Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder
We need reform in the mandated reporting process. Mandated reporters shouldn’t fear the consequences of hesitation, which often leads to unnecessary reports. Families dealing with developmental trauma need and deserve support, not criminalization. Most parents dealing with complex disorders aren’t the villains they’re made out to be in the media.
“Parenting kids with reactive attachment disorder is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about but the hardest thing in the world to do,” says Lisa Smith*, an adoptive and foster parent. Greater awareness can shift perceptions.
Families dealing with developmental trauma need and deserve support, not criminalization. Most parents dealing with complex disorders aren’t the villains they’re made out to be in the media.
As Jen Anderson*, an adoptive mom of three, says, “If you can’t empathize with a complex family, try to hesitate. Talk to the parents and dig deeper. Don’t just pick up the phone and report them.”
The reality is that reactive attachment disorder is extraordinarily difficult to understand unless you live with the disorder. “Typical families can’t get it,” says Gina Judy two-time adoptive mom, “and they’re lucky for that.”
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