When It’s Not a Tantrum: Naming Rage in Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Micaela Myers
- 9 minutes ago
- 9 min read
In 2006, Keri Williams adopted a girl and a boy, ages 2 and 3, from foster care. Both children struggled with developmental trauma issues, but her son, Devon, was eventually diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder.
After learning to navigate the system, Williams, who holds a certificate in Trauma Stress Studies, went on to write the award-winning book “But, He Spit in My Coffee,” and “Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The Essential Guide for Parents.” She is a tireless advocate for helping parents who are facing developmental trauma disorder and is a regular speaker at the annual RAD Advocates NavRAD event.
In the thick of her parenting journey with Devon, a social worker gave Keri valuable advice — to stop using the word tantrum when Devon was actually having a rage. It was one of the best suggestions she was given, Keri says. We sat down with Williams to learn, through her lived experience, the difference between rages and tantrums and how using accurate terminology can help parents get appropriate care for their children.
Tantrum vs. Rage: What’s the Difference?
RAD Advocates: To start off with, can you tell us about the behavioral and emotional differences between rages and tantrums?
Williams: A tantrum is age-appropriate for a child who is between the ages 2 and 4. They last maybe five to 10 minutes. Tantrums are mostly about disappointment or frustration in an age-appropriate way. There’s an identifiable demand, like wanting a toy or needing to eat. And, importantly, kids who are in the middle of a tantrum can still engage and connect with you as a parent.
In the thick of her parenting journey with Devon, a social worker gave Keri valuable advice — to stop using the word tantrum when Devon was actually having a rage. It was one of the best suggestions she was given.
With a tantrum, the child will usually calm down if they’re given what they want. For example, if you have a 3-year-old who's throwing a tantrum because they want a cookie, and you hand them the cookie, they'll stop throwing the tantrum. But if you have a child who's raging, and you hand them the cookie, they're just going to throw it across the room, and they're going to keep raging.
When kids are raging, they're out of control, and they can't stop — they can't calm down. Also, a lot of rages last longer than a tantrum. My son's rages used to last hours. There’s often aggression towards others during a rage. There can be significant property damage, too. So instead of ripping up their coloring page, like a young child might do during a tantrum, the child who's in a rage might rip the door off the hinges. The level of intensity is much, much higher. Tantrums aren't dangerous, but rages can be dangerous, so they're much more serious.
Reactive Attachment Disorder: Why Language Changes the Help You Get
RAD Advocates: How does minimizing language contribute to misunderstandings around rages?
Williams: Tantrums are a normal part of a child's development. If we say that our child is having a tantrum when they're actually having a rage, what we're conveying to whoever we're speaking to is that our child's behavior is “normal” and that it's neurotypical. The person we’re speaking to gets a picture in their head of a 3-year-old lying on their back, kicking their feet, and crying. If that's the picture in their head, they're not going to understand why our child's behavior is too much for us to handle or that it may be dangerous.
I mistakenly used to use the word tantrum for my son's behaviors until he was about 8 years old. It was then that a social worker actually witnessed one of these episodes. After she witnessed it, she said, “You have got to stop calling these tantrums. These are not tantrums, they're rages, and you're going to get more help if you use the word rage.”
I have to tell you, that was the best advice I've ever received. I immediately started doing it, and I noticed that I was getting more help. When you use the word rage with a professional, you're conveying much more accurately what you're experiencing, and that what you're experiencing is scary — it’s high intensity, it can be dangerous, and that it's something you can't easily manage.
When “Holding Space” Doesn’t Work
RAD Advocates: What can work for a tantrum, and why doesn’t it work for a rage?
Williams: I think the most common advice for tantrums is “holding space.” The idea is to get down on your child’s level, use a calm voice, and try to connect with them. You might say, “I know it's really disappointing when you can't have a cookie, and it's OK to feel sad.” What you're doing in that moment is co-regulating with your child. You're modeling how to calm down, and then you're guiding them through the calming-down process so that eventually they can learn how to do it on their own.
Anyone who's had a child with a reactive attachment disorder knows that holding space doesn’t work when your child's raging because they could be hurting themselves, hurting siblings or hurting a pet. They could be causing significant property damage. It's just not realistic advice for a parent who's dealing with a rage.
Reactive Attachment Disorder: What to Do During a Rage
RAD Advocates: What should you do if your child is raging?
Williams: You have to focus 100% on safety and de-escalation. If your child is raging, that's not the time to teach them or to discipline them, or to even try to connect with them. You just want to focus on safety, de-escalation and getting through that episode.
The one thing you definitely don't want to do is threaten consequences. There's a video that I would recommend to anyone. It’s by a psychologist named Jacob Ham, and he uses the Hulk as a metaphor for when a child goes into reactive survival mode. If you shoot or threaten the Hulk when he’s “hulking out,” it’s only going to make him stronger and less able to reason. It’s the same with our kids. When they're in that moment, they can't reason. If we try to give consequences, that's going to feel threatening because of their early childhood trauma, and it’s going to escalate them. We also have to remember that when a child is in that rage, their body is literally flooded with adrenaline. It’s just a biological reality that it will take a while for their body to calm down.
I would also suggest you reduce stimulation. So if the TV's on in the background, turn that off. If other people are in the room, ask them to leave. Don't grab your phone and start videotaping them. Any type of audience can escalate them. Don't touch them unless you have to for safety reasons, and try to be as non-threatening as possible to give them space to calm down.
Caregiver De-Escalation and Safety Planning
Williams: We also need to talk about how we de-escalate ourselves as caregivers. Managing a child with that level of aggression and disruption for hours is really hard. Our hearts are racing, we're frustrated, and we're angry. It's hard for us to be that calm parent that we need and want to be.
One piece of advice that I really like from the book “A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting” by Sarah Naish, is to fill your home with things that are inexpensive and easily replaceable, such as furniture from the thrift store. Same thing with toys. Put away toys that are expensive, nostalgic or that you have an emotional connection to.
You also need to know when to step away. Sometimes, you need to go lock yourself in the bathroom for five minutes and give yourself a break.
To that end, you also really have to consider if these behaviors are too much for you to manage. In many cases, we're being asked to handle something that we just aren't equipped to handle. And we have to be honest with ourselves about that. Some signs it might be too much are if your child is hurting themselves or others or if you are having to physically restrain them. If so, you may need to seek help from law enforcement or consider out-of-home placement.
Helping Professionals Understand What’s Happening
RAD Advocates: How can parents be empowered to use language that better protects and validates their experience?
Williams: It’s important to explain to family and friends the difference between a tantrum and a rage because they probably don't know the difference. They probably haven’t even heard of reactive attachment disorder or developmental trauma disorder. And they don't understand why a child who has had trauma at a young age might rage.
With therapists and professionals in general, I think they understand there's a difference between tantrums and rages, but they don't like to use the word rage. They would rather try to normalize what's happening in your family. To counteract that, it's important to always use the word rage if that's what your child is exhibiting.
Also, I didn't get meaningful help for my son until I learned that I needed to present myself in a calm and reasonable way. I was one of those crazy mothers who was ranting and raving. When you do that, it's really easy for a therapist to write you off and say, “Oh, this is just a parenting issue. She's just an angry mom.”
Tantrums aren't dangerous, but rages can be dangerous, so they're much more serious.
When you are talking with a professional, like a teacher or a therapist, always present yourself in a calm way. Focus on being reasonable. Write down notes about the last episode so are conveying exactly what happened and speaking in good faith. Focus most on the behaviors your child has that differentiate the episodes from tantrums. Explain the length of time your child raged and their aggression and anger during the episode, because those factors are not typical of a tantrum. Speak about how your child is unable to calm down, and you’re unable to connect with them in that moment.
Based on my own personal experience, I believe it's really important to focus on safety. If your child has siblings, explain how the rages are affecting everyone else in the home, as well as the safety of the child who is raging. This is often an effective way to communicate with a therapist or professional so that they can understand what’s happening and give you more appropriate advice.
How RAD Advocates Supports Families
RAD Advocates: How does RAD Advocates help families name what’s really happening?
Williams: Having an advocate can be very helpful in validating your own experience and your own feelings. They can help you process what's happening and help you determine if these are tantrums or rages.
RAD Advocates can also help you create a safety plan. For my family, my other children knew to run to my bedroom and lock themselves inside when their brother was beginning to rage. Sometimes, I would call my sister to come pick them up. Safety plans can also include steps like proactively making sure knives are hidden or locked away. It’s very individual, depending on your child.
Another thing that's helpful about a RAD Advocates is that they have personal experience with developmental trauma and these behaviors, but they still have some distance on your personal situation. It’s hard for you to have perspective on what's happening when you’re in the thick of it. Your advocate can listen to what's happening and help you consider your options and determine the best approach.
NavRAD26 and Redefining Success
RAD Advocates: Tell us about your work and presence at NavRAD26:
Williams: The NavRAD conference is unique and unlike any other foster, adoption or attachment conference. It’s a guided experience, where you’ll take the information you are learning in each session and reflect on your individual situation. At the end of the conference, you walk away with a plan forward for your family. Those plans are individualized and unique, and there's no judgment about where you feel that you need to go with your family.
I know it can be really difficult to find a way to attend an event like this, but if your child is raging, I really encourage you to try to find a way. Not only will you learn a lot, but you'll connect with other parents and build your support system.
My talk this year will focus on redefining success when parenting a child with developmental trauma. I’ll talk about being realistic and resetting your expectations, and how you can find a way forward.
Clarity Is the First Step
Williams knows parents often come to this conversation already worn down — not just from the behaviors, but from how often their reality gets minimized. But she urges parents to take back the narrative. Precise and accurate language makes it harder for others to minimize the reality of the chaos in their homes — and helps professionals understand the urgency, the safety concerns and the level of support the family actually needs.
If you are a parent in need of help to sort through what’s happening — and what to do next — RAD Advocates can support you with advocacy, safety planning and lived-experience guidance through RAD Advocates resources. And if you’re able to join us at NavRAD26 (April 24-26, 2026, in North Kansas City, Missouri), you’ll leave with practical tools, a personalized plan and a community that already gets it through NavRAD26 event details.
Because for families living with developmental trauma disorder, clarity isn’t just comforting — it can be the first step toward getting real support.
Feeling lost on the RAD parenting journey?
You’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Connect with RAD Advocates to find real answers from those who’ve walked this path, no matter where you are along the journey.