The Siblings We Don’t See: How Reactive Attachment Disorder Affects the Whole Family
- Nichole Noonan
- 41 minutes ago
- 7 min read
Hannah* had locked herself in the bathroom again.
She screamed obscenities and refused to come out, barricading herself inside while the rest of the family waited. These behaviors — rooted in early trauma and later diagnosed as reactive attachment disorder — were Hannah’s way of exerting control. And when Hannah felt in control, she felt safe.
But no one else could move forward.
That afternoon, Becky, Hannah’s sister, was supposed to leave for her last soccer game. Her jersey and cleats sat beside her as minutes ticked by. The family couldn’t leave the house — not safely — while Hannah remained locked in the bathroom, escalating and refusing to come out.
“I’m fine,” Becky said.
She wasn’t.
By the time Hannah finally unlocked the door and emerged — calm, regulated, and smiling — the game had already started. There was no way to make it in time. No apology. No acknowledgment of what had been lost. Just a return to normal, as if nothing had happened.
This wasn’t the first time Hannah’s behavior had determined the family’s schedule. She decided when and where the family could go — and when everything would come to a halt.
Becky learned, quietly, that keeping the peace meant keeping her feelings to herself.Over time, moments like this taught Becky that her needs would always come second — and that it was safer not to need much at all.
This story comes from Monica Badgley, founder of RAD Sibs, whose lived experience parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder — and raising siblings alongside that reality — revealed patterns that extended far beyond her own family. Through her work and as a speaker at Navigating RAD (NavRAD), Badgley has helped give language to what many siblings of children with reactive attachment disorder experience but rarely name.
The Children We Look Through
Siblings of children with reactive attachment disorder are often called glass children. Like glass, they are present — visible — yet somehow overlooked. They are expected to be resilient, patient, and understanding while chaos unfolds around them.
Sand becomes glass only after enduring intense pressure and heat. And while glass can be beautiful, it is also fragile. Heather Houze, COO of RAD Advocates, understands this both personally and professionally.
“As a parent, I didn’t have language for what was happening in my own home,” Houze says. “I thought my other children were ‘fine’ because they weren’t acting out. Now, through my work at RAD Advocates, I see this pattern over and over — siblings who learned to disappear, stay quiet, and carry far more than anyone realized.”
Parents don’t look through their children intentionally. They are parents in crisis — managing constant escalation, de-escalating behaviors, and trying to keep everyone safe. In homes impacted by reactive attachment disorder, survival often takes precedence over reflection.
What Sibling Trauma Looks Like Day to Day
Sarah, a mother parenting multiple children in a home impacted by reactive attachment disorder, described how living with Joe — the child with the disorder — affected every aspect of her other children’s lives.
Sarah realized her other children, who shared a room separate from Joe, were sleeping under their beds to avoid being touched by Joe. At that point, Sarah and her husband sketched out plans to add a door between their bedroom and the parents' master bedroom. That way they could lock themselves in at night while still reaching a bathroom without passing Joe’s room.
Siblings of children with reactive attachment disorder are often called glass children. Like glass, they are present — visible — yet somehow overlooked. They are expected to be resilient, patient, and understanding while chaos unfolds around them.
Family life fractured for safety reasons. Two cars were taken to events. Sometimes one parent stayed home with Joe while the other attended games or school functions with the other children. When Joe’s rages began, the siblings knew to lock themselves in their bedroom.
Public outings were unpredictable and often abandoned because of Joe’s behavior. Before leaving the house, Sarah never knew whether an outing would be possible or safe. At crowded places — waterparks, movies, zoos, theme parks, churches, and birthday parties — Joe’s impulsivity and escalating behaviors regularly derailed plans.
Sometimes he bolted. Sometimes he became dysregulated in the car. Other times, his behavior made it unsafe to even get out of the vehicle.
When that happened, the family turned around and went home — not because the other children had done anything wrong, but because Joe’s behavior left no other option. The disappointment didn’t belong to just one child. All of the children felt it. Tears followed in the car as yet another promised experience disappeared, reinforcing a painful pattern: family life revolved around managing Joe, and everyone else learned that fun, connection, and normalcy were fragile and conditional.
At school, siblings struggled with identity. Being known as “Joe’s brother” came with a reputation they didn’t choose. Sarah recalled how her other children were relieved when Joe transferred to another school, finally able to build their own reputations separate from his behavior.
Parents don’t look through their children intentionally. They are parents in crisis — managing constant escalation, de-escalating behaviors, and trying to keep everyone safe. In homes impacted by reactive attachment disorder, survival often takes precedence over reflection.
Perhaps most striking was what became visible only later. After the chaos was no longer present in the home, Sarah noticed that her oldest son suddenly became calm, regulated, and clear-thinking. Only then did the full weight of what he had been carrying become apparent.
Different Children, Different Survival Strategies
Siblings cope in different ways.
Sarah described one son who became hyper-observant, carefully reading his parents, Joe, and the emotional temperature of the room before speaking. He learned to monitor situations closely, often deciding whether it was safe to share his thoughts at all.
Her younger son responded differently. As a small child, he became almost completely silent, speaking mostly in grunts for years because he did not want Joe to hear him. When Sarah needed him to talk, she would take him into the laundry room and run the dryer so their conversation couldn’t be overheard. Those conversations happened between Sarah and her son, behind closed doors, in the only place he felt safe enough to use his voice.
Other siblings cope by intellectualizing what they witness — explaining behaviors, analyzing motives, or distancing themselves emotionally to make sense of chaos. Others store fear in their bodies. Stoicism, emotional withdrawal, hyper-responsibility, and people-pleasing often become survival strategies — and are frequently mistaken for maturity or resilience.
Silence, however, does not mean safety.
What Parents Often Don’t See Until Later
Many parents don’t recognize the impact on siblings until the chaos subsides.
“It’s devastating to realize later that while you were surviving one child’s trauma, your other children were absorbing it,” Houze says. “That realization carries a lot of grief — and a lot of guilt.”
This is not a failure of love. It is the reality of parenting in crisis.
Families often believe their “healthy” children will be okay — especially when those children appear compliant or quiet — and that stability and good intentions are enough. But reactive attachment disorder does not resolve by proximity to health, and trauma does not spare siblings simply because they are quiet.
The whole family requires support.
Moving Toward Awareness, Safety, and Support
For many families, healing begins with awareness — naming what happened and understanding that siblings were impacted, too.
That recognition is why Monica Badgley founded RAD Sibs, a nonprofit dedicated to supporting siblings of children with reactive attachment disorder. It’s also why this topic is addressed openly at Navigating RAD (NavRAD), RAD Advocates’ in-person experience for families.
At NavRAD, families don’t just talk about behaviors. They work through what safety planning looks like for the entire household — including siblings whose needs are often overlooked while parents are in survival mode. Families leave with customized, realistic plans designed to reduce harm and protect everyone in the home.
Because reactive attachment disorder impacts more than one child. It reshapes families.
This article brings together lived sibling experiences, parent perspectives, and RAD Advocates’ family-centered guidance to highlight how reactive attachment disorder impacts the entire household.
If You’re Reading This and Recognizing Your Family
If you see your children in these stories, you are not alone — and you are not too late.
Siblings need validation, protection, and support just as much as the child with the diagnosis. Seeing them now can prevent deeper wounds later.
“I’m proud of who my children have become,” Sarah reflected. “But I wish I had known then what I know now.”
That hard-earned knowledge — shared by parents and advocates alike — is how families begin to heal.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Feeling lost on the RAD parenting journey?
You’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Connect with RAD Advocates to find real answers from those who’ve walked this path, no matter where you are along the journey.
More on Siblings and Reactive Attachment Disorder
Monica Badgley, founder of RAD Sibs, shares her family’s lived experience navigating sibling impact and why she later realized she was a “glass child” herself.
COO Heather Houze reflects on how siblings can become invisible in families impacted by reactive attachment disorder — and why seeing them matters.