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Writer's pictureAllison Ellenwood

Education, Developmental Trauma and the Best Equation for Your Family

Updated: Aug 21


Education, Developmental Trauma and the Best Equation for Your Family

“I hate you!” my daughter yelled as she threw her schoolwork on the floor and shoved her school-issued Chromebook across the kitchen table. “I’m not doing those assignments! I hate school and I hate you!”


The assignments my daughter was refusing are those I petitioned the teachers to let her turn in, even though most were due weeks prior. She was at risk of failing at least three classes, not because she can't do the work. She refused to do the work.  



No matter your school situation, from private school, public school, online learning or homeschooling, families of children with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma often deal with school battles. As a mom of a child with developmental trauma and a teacher, I’m still continuously navigating academics to work for our family.


The details of academic difficulty are different for every child and family. Some children act out at school whereas others charm the staff and use school to triangulate and manipulate adults. Others refuse to do their school work, causing turmoil at home. No matter the situation, many families just do their best to get through academia one way or another.


Considering alternative education for children with developmental trauma


Because education can cause its own set of struggles in parenting a child with developmental trauma, many families consider various options for their child. It’s typically up to you as the parent to decide what methods of meeting their academic needs work best for you and your family. Sometimes, however, you don’t have a choice due to legal implications or other circumstances. Either way, knowing the pros and cons of various academic avenues is helpful. 


As you consider academic possibilities for your child with the disorder, here are the pros and cons of four of them (according to RAD Advocates) — public school, public online school, private/charter school and homeschooling.


1. Public school pros and cons for children with developmental trauma:

Public school pros

  • Your child is educated outside the home, allowing the roles of “teacher” and “parent” to be separate. This is often better for your relationship and your mental health as a parent. 

  • Your child is away from home for half or a full day, allowing you critical (and free!) relief as a parent.

  • Your local school district is required by law to accept and accommodate your child in the least restrictive setting possible. This includes providing them with services such as physical, occupational and speech therapy. 

  • You will potentially have an easier time documenting your child’s needs should they require residential care or alternative placement (such as Job Corps, etc.) 

  • If you are currently involved with child protective services (as many parents of children with the disorder due to false allegations, etc.) or the courts have legal authority over your child, you may be required to send your child to public school. Check your local state laws for more information. 


Public school cons

  • You will need to pursue a 504 plan, behavior intervention plan (BIP) or individualized education plan (IEP) and provide documentation of your child’s needs to qualify. Some parents find this process stressful and intimidating (don’t worry, RAD Advocates can help if you need it). 

  • For children that easily triangulate adults, public school provides access to many well-intentioned mandated reporting adults that could feed into the disorder. 

  • You do not always have a choice on which public school your child attends. 

  • Your child may be exposed to additional negative behaviors from their peers and will likely have access to more electronics, especially in middle and high school. This should be a major consideration if your child struggles with substance use. 

  • You may have separate affiliated costs, including school supplies, sports memberships, voluntary tutoring, etc. 

 

2. Pros and cons of online public school for children with developmental trauma:

Online public school pros

  • Your child still has a separate teacher to provide instruction, allowing you to focus on parenting tasks.

  • An online school may have more flexibility for your child’s daily schedule including due dates and assignment parameters.

  • You can continue to monitor your child’s physical whereabouts and have more control over when and how they access technology by setting the controls yourself.

  • Your child will have limited social exposure.

 


Online public school cons

  • There is less separation of “home” and “school.” If there is no regular communication with school staff, it is easier for boundaries to blur as parent versus educator.

  • This option does not provide a break for parents who need physical separation from their child with developmental trauma as the learning still occurs at home (in most situations).

  • Options for adjunct services/therapy are limited or non-existent (online school may refer you back to your local brick-and-mortar school for support).

  • Off-screen options for learning may be limited or not possible depending on how the school is situated.

  • Students may miss out on social opportunities such as team sports, school dances and field trips with peers that brick-and-mortar experiences offer. Though many districts allow children in their district to attend such events, your student may feel less inclined to do so because they are not familiar with the students.


The details of academic difficulty are different for every child and family. Some children act out at school whereas others charm the staff and use school as a means to triangulate and manipulate adults. Others refuse to do their school work, causing turmoil at home.

 

3. Private/charter school pros and cons for children with developmental trauma:

Private/charter school pros

  • They often have smaller class sizes, so students get more personalized help. 

  • They may include other learning topics important for families, such as culture and language emersion, faith-based teachings or special focus tracks like STEM.

  • They often include volunteer work and extra-curricular activities for a more well-rounded education.

  • Peers your student interacts with theoretically share the same values. 

  • Most involve a behavioral code of conduct with strict expectations to hold students accountable.

 

Private/charter school cons

  • Most involve costly tuition (but not always).

  • They may not have the capacity to follow the requirements of an IEP/BIP/504 if their staffing doesn’t allow for it. These schools are typically not mandated to accept all students with behavioral and/or learning support needs. 

  • May not cover all grades, instead focusing on K-6, K-8, 6-12 etc. 

  • They often require hands-on volunteer requirements from parents.

 

4. Homeschooling pros/cons for children with developmental trauma:

Homeschooling pros

  • Homeschooling generally offers the most flexible of academic options. You can design your own curriculum, teach at your own pace or combine home learning with other in-person services or supports. Check with your home state for laws and requirements around homeschooling. Here's a great resource for doing so.

  • You can accommodate your child’s academic and behavioral needs directly from home, limit or prevent electronic access and schedule around therapy, other appointments and special interests your child may have. 

  • It can be easier to influence your child’s social choices than when they attend large public schools with many peers. Home school can also be a great option for youth who have anxiety.

  • Homeschool is low-cost or relatively free using resources you already have or via state funding if provided in your area.

  • If your child is ready to begin working on attachment, this option allows for that focus.


Homeschooling cons

  • Due to the particular nature of developmental trauma, homeschooling can present overwhelming challenges when acting as both primary caregiver and teacher.

  • The parent who is teaching rarely gets a break from the child which can create extreme stress on the parent and their mental health. This is incredibly important to consider.

  • Designing a curriculum or a learning plan can be time and labor-intensive whereas a pre-designed curriculum can be costly.

  • Some parents find documenting their children’s learning and providing a transcript or high school diploma that their state/military/other school districts/residential placement will take challenging. 

  • Families may still need to rely on local public school to provide services if they cannot access private therapy on their own for things like speech, physical and occupational therapy 

  • If your student is involved with the law, they may not have access to homeschooling legally. Check specifics of your state and support team if this applies to them.

 

Other school options and considerations:

  • Children in long-term inpatient residential placement are still required to have access to school, either at a local school with significant support in place or in a self-contained school. Ask your case manager for options. 

  • Job Corps is a great option for youth who can safely live with others out-of-home and want to earn a GED or diploma while also gaining other life skills and a trade. Housing is generally free and basic health care, food, and money for incidentals are covered. 

  • If your youth with developmental trauma is involved with the juvenile rehabilitation program, also known as probation, the law still requires that they get an education. Not doing so can lead to further legal consequences 

  • Boarding school may be an option. Unless your child qualifies for a specific learning accommodation that is not available in the public school setting (such as schools for the deaf or blind), parents must pay for this alternative. RAD Advocates can help you pursue options for boarding school or private placement if needed.


Take a breath. Academia isn't everything.


Remember that what works for your child one day, month or year may not work on another. You’ll need to do your best to stay patient and flexible. Remember to take good care of yourself too.


And remember, above all, what’s most important. It’s not school.


Keep in mind, especially on those days when your child is really struggling, that school isn’t everything. Maslov’s hierarchy of needs theory states that an individual’s needs dictate their behavior. All children, with or without developmental trauma, need to feel safe and secure first and foremost. Without that feeling of security, they’re unlikely to learn anything. Regard your whole child and meet the emotional needs of your whole family first, allowing you to meet your child's academic needs later.


School can add extra chaos to an already stressful and strained relationship with your child. If school adds stress, give it a break. Mentally let go of how it's going, even if (or maybe especially if) it's terrible. And don’t compare yourself or your child with another family in any way, including academically. Success is different for every individual, particularly for a child with developmental trauma.




Education, Developmental Trauma and the Best Equation for Your Family

Allison Ellenwood is a mom, second-grade teacher and writer. She earned a master's degree in education and certificates in preschool special education and emotional disabilities for grades K-6. Allison became interested in writing about reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma by raising her own adopted child with reactive attachment disorder. Through her professional and personal experience and writing, Allison hopes to help parents of children with the disorder to understand the school system and teachers and administrators understand children of trauma and their families.



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