One Family’s Journey Through Reactive Attachment Disorder: “We Knew Something Was Wrong, But No One Believed Us”

Years of confusion, crisis, and misdiagnoses — until someone finally listened. Their child needed far more than love for her reactive attachment disorder.

When Jake and Olivia adopted three sisters from foster care in 2020, they knew the road ahead might be hard. The girls had come from a traumatic background marked by abuse and neglect. What they didn’t expect was the level of misunderstanding they would face — not just from the system, but from professionals they turned to for help. Years later, one of their daughters would be diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder, also known as developmental trauma (learn more here), and their family’s entire approach to parenting, safety, and support would have to change.

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We sat down with Olivia to hear how she and Jake are navigating the realities of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder — and how RAD Advocates helped them build a path forward.

Early Warning Signs Were Dismissed

In 2018, Jake and Olivia took in three foster daughters: Zoey, age 5, Kandy, age 2, and McKenzie, age 5 months (all names changed for privacy). The girls’ biological parents were involved with drugs, and the children had been abused and neglected. Two years after the initial placement, Jake and Olivia adopted them, not realizing Zoey had reactive attachment disorder.

Olivia said she "knew something was wrong early on," but both she and others chalked it up to Zoey's traumatic past. "We all thought with love, consistency and stability, things would get better," she said.

The girls had come from a traumatic background marked by abuse and neglect. What they didn’t expect was the level of misunderstanding they would face — not just from the system, but from professionals they turned to for help.

Within a year of finalizing the adoption, Zoey's behaviors had become alarming. Olivia described the situation: "Over the years, we’ve dealt with triangulation, manipulation, violence, mild self-harm, verbal abuse, false allegations, back-talking the police and calling them stupid, refusing to go to school, threatening to run away, physically blocking me from my other children or blocking me from leaving her area." She added that Zoey also had food issues and frequent rages, which at their worst, "would last up to four hours and happened multiple times a day, every day, for over a year, probably closer to two years, including during my pregnancy with our son and with a newborn in tow."

Finding the Right Diagnosis

Following several 911 calls and trips to the ER in 2023, Olivia and Jake had Zoey evaluated. The psychologist diagnosed major depressive disorder. Olivia recalled, "I was crushed. I knew it was more than that."

Things escalated further when they discovered Zoey being physically violent with her siblings. They captured her on camera beating her younger sister with a clothes hanger. The family was living on a military base at the time and reached out to the MFLC (Military Family Life Counselor) at Zoey's school. The MFLC was willing to see Zoey short term while Olivia and Jake tried to expedite the waitlist for mental health services, but admitted Zoey's needs were beyond their scope.

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Eventually, a psychiatric nurse practitioner listened to Olivia’s detailed documentation and privately suggested reactive attachment disorder. "I was shocked," Olivia said. "I had heard of RAD previously but only severe cases." The nurse believed her, started medication, and committed to helping the family stay intact. "I truly believe this nurse saved our daughter and our family."

Up until that point, Olivia and Jake tried countless parenting techniques and therapy models over the years. "We tried all kinds of parenting techniques: explaining everything, gentle parenting, strict parenting, physical exercise, various charts and rewards systems, consequences such as grounding, etc."

Therapy was no easier. "We have been through countless therapists," Olivia explained, noting that two therapists quit due to Zoey’s manipulation or the severity of her needs. Even therapists who stayed often made little progress. "She never actually applied coping skills and was a master at regurgitating therapy lingo."

Only after the RAD diagnosis did they find a therapist who could truly see Zoey and work alongside the family. This therapist and the nurse practitioner gave Olivia the validation she had been searching for.

What Helped

Olivia said, "First and foremost, RAD Advocates helped by educating us on RAD. Secondly, by giving us some much-needed validation. We finally found people who understood what we were going through, which was a pivotal moment in our journey." They became members of RAD Advocates when their family was in crisis and dealing with false allegation investigations. "RAD Advocates helped us come up with safety plans for our RAD child and our other children that we could actually utilize (read how here)," she said. "They also provided critical help during school meetings to secure a functional 504 plan."

Olivia also attended NavRAD in 2024. "I highly recommend the event to all parents dealing with RAD in any capacity."

Olivia said she "knew something was wrong early on," but both she and others chalked it up to Zoey's traumatic past. "We all thought with love, consistency and stability, things would get better," she said.

Medication has helped reduce Zoey’s constant fight-or-flight mode. Olivia also emphasized the importance of educating those around them. RAD Advocates recommended a consultation with Forrest Lien, a therapist and the NavRAD keynote speaker, who gave them tools to present to other professionals, including their psychiatrist and school staff. "Our daughter's interview with Forrest sparked a change in her where she decided she wanted to try to be a part of our family."

Safety planning remains critical. "We have added security systems throughout the house to ensure everyone is safe and feels safe. We have strict rules about the kids only being in their own room and not touching each other."

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The family also redefined their expectations. "We severely minimized our expectations, basically just expecting Zoey to maintain personal hygiene and non-violence," Olivia shared. They adopted a modified grey rock method, remaining neutral and factual in interactions. "At this point in our relationship, she needs us to remove as much emotion as possible."

They also learned to be creative in de-escalating Zoey’s moods — whether through dance parties, ice cream runs, or letting the kids scream out loud together to break tension. "When the fuse is lit, there really is nothing we can do to stop it — everyone else just tries to find safety and braces for impact."

Holidays and family time are adapted as well. Last Christmas, Zoey made a charcuterie board while her siblings opened presents, then opened hers separately. The celebration still ended in a rage, however. This past year, she chose to spend the holiday with her grandparents, which gave everyone a healthier experience.

Outside the home, Zoey thrives in structured environments like church camps, horse camps, YMCA programs and after-school care. The family also tried equine-assisted therapy (read more on the therapy here) for a year. It didn't make much of a difference but didn't do any harm either. Zoey enjoyed the horses and the structure of the program.

Biofeedback therapy with a RAD specialist and the Empowered Parenting course from RAD Advocates have also made a significant difference.

What Needs to Change

Olivia believes systemic change is desperately needed. "We all need access to affordable, accessible and quality mental health care without having to jump through hoops."

She called for early intervention and honest disclosures from child services. "Professionals need education on RAD and developmental trauma. Parents need to be listened to and taken seriously."

She also criticized the lack of treatment options that don’t involve legal risk. "There needs to be other avenues for affordable institutionalized treatment that don't require parents refusing pickup and facing potential neglect charges."

Advice to Other Families

"Hire RAD Advocates," Olivia urged. She recommends building a support network that includes RAD-specific professionals, staying organized with documentation, and adjusting expectations. "Take time to grieve the life you thought you would have with your RAD child."

Olivia keeps a binder with evaluations, documentation, and educational materials for teachers and providers. "I approach it with a 'help me help you' mentality."

She also emphasizes not forgetting the other children in the home. "If you have other kids, look into 'glass siblings' (read related blog here), and get RAD Advocates to help with them. We have really shifted our focus to our non-RAD children."

"First and foremost, RAD Advocates helped by educating us on RAD. Secondly, by giving us some much-needed validation," said Olivia. We finally found people who understood what we were going through, which was a pivotal moment in our journey."

Even though life is still hard, Olivia sees hope. "Better does not mean easy or fast, and it's not always linear, but you have to take the wins when you can."

Their goal for Zoey is regulation and safety into adulthood. For their other children, they aim to nurture trust and lifelong connection. "We cannot make our child choose to get better," Olivia said, "but she has the best chance at a successful life with parents who are educated, supported, and who advocate fiercely in a system that is not built to help our kids get better."

Not sure where to turn for your family while parenting a child or young adult impacted by childhood trauma?

 You’re not alone — it's different for every family and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Connect with RAD Advocates to find real answers from those who’ve walked this path.