Cherie’s Story: Why Parenting Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder Was Harder Than Cancer
- Micaela Myers
- 49 minutes ago
- 6 min read
In 2024, 12 years after adopting, Cherie was diagnosed with the most severe type of bilateral breast cancer. Still, she says raising two children with severe reactive attachment disorder, also known as developmental trauma disorder, was harder.
Why? Because in dealing with developmental trauma, she received mostly criticism. In dealing with cancer, she received nothing but support.
“After my cancer diagnosis, I had a six-month meal train, where people were bringing me food twice a week. I had over 300 cards in the mail. On social media, I would make an update on my health, and I would receive hundreds of encouraging comments, and people were checking on me every day,” she says. “Not one single time did I have somebody look at me and go, ‘Cherie, this is your fault.’ And that was the biggest difference.”
However, when she and her husband David had to find out-of-home placements for their adopted children to keep everyone safe, they received mostly judgment.
“We got a lot of judgment — a lot of people talking behind our back,” she says. “We lost many friends because they thought we were wrong.”
But what Cherie and David needed was support and understanding, just as with her diagnosis.
“I was sitting here grieving my kids,” she says. “We had raised them for 10 years, so even though they didn't attach, we did. And here we were getting ugly hate mail and being made to feel like it was our fault — like we were failures.”
Read “When Love Means Letting Go for a While: Choosing Safety in Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder” to learn how other parents have faced similar judgment when prioritizing family safety.
Answering the Call to Adopt and Facing Reactive Attachment Disorder
Like many adoptive parents, Cherie and David came in with the purest intentions. After having two biological sons, they felt called to act on their longtime dream of adoption.
“We researched and adopted two children internationally — a girl and a boy, ages 2 and 3 at the time,” Cherie says. “We thought that because they were young, we’d get to really mold them, and they shouldn’t have any issues with attachment.”
But from the moment the toddlers came home, it was chaos. Little was known about their background other than that they were removed by police — and the youngest, their daughter, weighed only 8 pounds at 8 months old.
“I think any adoptive parent can relate to this — a portion of your brain starts to constantly look for solutions,” Cherie recalls. “Almost every day, I was scouring the internet trying to find something that would give us hope. One day, I ran across a video. It was Amy VanTine from RAD Advocates. I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, this is our life. This is exactly what we’re going through — cameras in the house, mass chaos, extreme behaviors. For the first time, I felt seen and heard.’”
By the time their children were 5 and 6, Cherie and David were dealing with lying, stealing, manipulation, vandalism, and violence — common symptoms of reactive attachment disorder in children with severe trauma histories.
“My son was starting to attack me when he would have fits of rage,” Cherie says. “I was finding knives, receiving death threats, and he’d harm others ‘by accident.’ Our daughter was a lot more sneaky. She would smear fecal matter on our toothbrushes and doorknobs — all over the house. She would get even when we weren’t expecting it.”
“I think any adoptive parent can relate to this — a portion of your brain starts to constantly look for solutions. Almost every day, I was scouring the internet trying to find something that would give us hope. One day, I ran across a video. It was Amy VanTine from RAD Advocates," Cherie says. "I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, this is our life. For the first time, I felt seen and heard."
After signing up for a RAD Advocates consultation, both children were referred for evaluation and diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder and developmental trauma disorder.
They attended the first NavRAD event in Denver in 2021. “It was life changing,” Cherie says. “People believed us. There were other people in the same shoes as us.”
A survey at the event confirmed both their children were on the severe end of the spectrum.
When Safety at Home Breaks Down for Families Facing Developmental Trauma
Cherie and David continued working with the professionals referred by RAD Advocates, but their children had little interest in therapy or change. As they reached puberty, their behaviors escalated — which is often the case with severe developmental trauma.
“We were in and out of the local mental health facilities,” Cherie recalls. “They would only keep them for a week because insurance wouldn’t pay.”
The children began to sexually act out with one another and continued threatening each other and other family members with violence. Cherie and David had to live on separate floors of the home, one child with each of them — a heartbreaking but necessary safety measure to keep everyone protected.
“It took an incredible toll on the entire family,” Cherie says. “Our biological kids pretty much just resorted to their rooms and kept their doors locked. We really missed a lot of time with them. We were just barely surviving.”
They tried everything — in-home wraparound services, self-reporting to child protective services, and even calling over 200 residential programs. Eventually, Cherie found a facility that would take their daughter.
“She was there for six months before insurance ran out,” Cherie says. “With a day’s notice, we were told to come get her, even though her treatment goals hadn’t been reached. She had cuts up and down her arms and was trying to harm other kids. She was just not in any position to be at home.”
With no other options, they refused pickup, triggering a child protective services investigation.
RAD Advocates worked directly with the attorney, the CASA worker, and CPS.
“Relinquishing our parental rights was the only way to force the residential treatment center to keep her in a safe place,” Cherie explains. “They were trying to send her home, but CPS couldn’t get any other facility to accept her because her behaviors were so dangerous.”
Read “Why a Safe Home Isn’t Enough for Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder” to understand how safety looks different for families living with developmental trauma.
Finding Support Through RAD Advocates
The couple hoped their son might improve once his sister was placed, but his aggression escalated.
“He would get angry and start to attack me, so we had to call the police,” Cherie recalls. “He was on his third probation. At one point, we had six police officers here chasing him down because he was trying to beat us with a pipe. It’s devastating after how hard you try to help them. But I will never forget the police officer who looked at us and said, ‘This is not your fault.’”
With everyone’s safety at risk, Cherie and David worked with RAD Advocates to find a boarding school for their son — a placement he’s now been in for two years.
Today, their biological sons are 23 and 24, while their adopted children are 15 and 16.
Parenting Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder: From Pain to Purpose
“I am not afraid of anything other than RAD,” Cherie says. Still, she believes the 10 years of chronic stress contributed to her cancer.
“I truly believe those stress hormones constantly hitting me contributed to my cancer,” she says.
Despite it all, Cherie and David remain dedicated to helping other parents feel less alone. David now serves on the RAD Advocates board, and Cherie is an active volunteer.
“It took an incredible toll on the entire family,” Cherie says. "Our biological kids pretty much just resorted to their rooms and kept their doors locked. We really missed a lot of time with them. We were just barely surviving.”
“I want so badly to raise awareness for these parents,” she says. “We didn’t adopt kids to be bad parents. Some kids just cannot receive that love. And that’s what I want people to know: Believe and support the parents.”
Recently, Cherie completed her final surgery and treatments and even joined a dragon boat team. She also faithfully attends each NavRAD event, welcoming participants and helping parents find connection.
“I want them to know that there is hope,” she says. “Not all kids are as severe as ours. The RAD Advocates founders have lived through this, and they know the ins and outs and can really help coach you.”
At the event, parents find understanding, family safety, and lifelong friends. “That’s what makes RAD Advocates so valuable,” Cherie says. “It’s the first group that ever fought for us as parents. If you’re in this situation, you are not alone. We can be a support for you.”
Cherie also has a message for the general public:
“These parents know their kids better than anybody else. Stop judging us and start supporting and believing us.”
What a better world it would be if we responded to families facing mental health and attachment challenges with the same compassion we offer to those battling physical illnesses like cancer.