When Love Means Letting Go for a While: Choosing Safety in Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Anonymous
- 2 hours ago
- 10 min read
This article is part of our “Family Safety Series,” exploring how reactive attachment disorder affects safety, trust, and connection within the home. Explore related stories and resources within this post.
Navigating our family through the journey of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD), also known as developmental trauma disorder (DTD), has been the hardest thing my husband and I have ever done. By far, the most difficult decision on that journey was determining when — or if — to pursue out-of-home placement.
By the time Joe*, our son who had been diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder and developmental trauma disorder, was 9 years old, both his therapist and psychiatrist were advising my husband and me to consider out-of-home placement. At the time, I could not fathom it. I was determined to weather any and every storm this disorder had to throw at us.
At the time, I believed that keeping Joe home was the most loving and loyal thing a parent could do. What I didn’t yet understand was that sometimes the safest and most loving choice — for everyone — is to seek help outside the home when the danger becomes too great.
Because reactive attachment disorder is a serious brain disorder that affects a child’s ability to trust and attach to nurturing caregivers, my determination to remain that nurturing caregiver was precisely the wrong approach for a child with severe developmental trauma disorder — and it worsened his condition. Read "Why Therapeutic Parenting Is the Last Thing You Should Do with Kids with Severe Developmental Trauma."
Joe’s behaviors became increasingly alarming and dangerous. He destroyed property throughout our home — breaking light fixtures, windows, and doors — and often threatened violence when we tried to enforce even small boundaries. Once, after losing privileges at school, he tossed a table and threatened to burn the building down. Read “When Home Is No Longer a Safe Haven: The Reality of Living With Reactive Attachment Disorder.”
Joe could sit calmly with a therapist and recite coping skills, but outside those sessions, the same destructive and manipulative behaviors returned. Eventually, no one in our family felt safe. Read "Why Traditional Therapy Doesn't Usually Work (and Can Even Make Things Worse) for Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder."
What I didn’t yet understand was that sometimes the safest and most loving choice — for everyone — is to seek help outside the home when the danger becomes too great.
At age 10, after several weeks of escalating behaviors, Joe’s therapist told my husband and me to take him to the pediatric emergency room for an in-patient psychiatric stay. It was Valentine’s Day. Instead of the babysitter coming so we could enjoy a date night, she came to watch our other children while we took Joe to the hospital.
We left early in the evening. My husband went home around midnight to relieve the babysitter. I stayed until Joe’s admission was complete. At 6 a.m. the following morning, I left Joe — who had raged himself into a deep sleep — resting in a psychiatric ward surrounded by strangers. The door shut behind me, and I collapsed to the ground, sobbing wretched tears born of years of fear, worry, guilt and exhaustion, believing I had failed my child.
Out-of-Home Placement: When Safety Becomes the Most Loving Choice
What I didn’t yet understand was that choosing professional care in that moment wasn’t a failure — it was an act of love. It was the first step toward protecting Joe and the rest of our family from further harm, even if it didn’t feel that way at the time.
I also didn’t realize then that out-of-home placements can sometimes be an essential part of treatment and family preservation — a temporary step toward safety and healing rather than a permanent separation. For some families, placement can truly be temporary — a bridge to stability and reconnection.
But we didn’t know that then. We couldn’t see how far gone we were, or how much damage the years of crisis had already done. By the time I met Amy VanTine, CEO and founder of RAD Advocates, a year and a half later, my family was in deep crisis and irreparably fractured.
What Families Need to Know About Out-of-Home Placement for Reactive Attachment Disorder
I interviewed VanTine to learn what families like mine need to consider when it comes to out-of-home placement for children with reactive attachment disorder or developmental trauma disorder. We discussed how to determine when placement is needed and the realistic goals and consequences of this decision.
1. How Severe Is the Disorder?
According to VanTine, one of the first questions parents need to consider is the severity of the disorder. When a child’s behavior becomes physically unsafe, placement isn’t about sending them away. It’s about creating space where professionals can help stabilize the child while keeping the family safe.
“If a child’s behavior has become so unsafe that the family is in perpetual crisis, like yours was, safety is the only concern. At that point, out-of-home placement is the best — and maybe only — option for everyone involved,” VanTine said.
She went on to explain that in RAD Advocates’ early days, most families came to them already in deep crisis. Now, after years of education and advocacy, families are finding them earlier in the process — allowing them to strategically implement resources, therapies and placements to increase the likelihood of success for everyone involved.
“The key is having an educated and realistic understanding of where the child is with the disorder and where the family is,” VanTine said, “so placement can be used strategically instead of as crisis management.” Read "What Reactive Attachment Disorder Looks Like Across the Spectrum in Real Families."
2. How Is the Rest of the Family Coping?
Reactive attachment disorder and developmental trauma disorder manifest within the family system. The foundation of these disorders is early life trauma that leaves the child unable to trust safe and nurturing caregivers and fearful of intimacy and vulnerability. Behaviors like lying, manipulating, food issues, hygiene struggles and even violence are all aimed at maintaining control and emotional distance.
This is extraordinarily stressful for the rest of the family and can lead to PTSD in family members if not addressed. Healthy families are built on trust and emotional safety; a child with reactive attachment disorder or developmental trauma disorder flips that script, disrupting relationships for everyone in the home.
Because reactive attachment disorder is a serious brain disorder that affects a child’s ability to trust and attach to nurturing caregivers, my determination to remain that nurturing caregiver was precisely the wrong approach for a child with severe developmental trauma disorder — and it worsened his condition.
“If the rest of the family — especially the parents — are no longer able to support and co-regulate all the children in the home, the family unit is at risk,” VanTine said. “If everyone in the home is activated, no one is healing. No attachment can happen when the entire family is in crisis.” Read “Why a Safe Home Isn’t Enough for Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder” to understand why a child’s brain may not perceive a safe home as safe at all.
In those cases, removing the child from the home for a time can actually preserve the family’s ability to reconnect later. Safety and healing go hand in hand.
3. Is There Documentation to Support Placement?
When considering out-of-home placement, documentation is crucial. Families need to demonstrate that placement is in the best interest of both the child and the family, and that all reasonable efforts were made to maintain the child in the home. This might include extensive outpatient therapy, wraparound services, school-based interventions or partial-day programs.
“Even if a child is placed privately, without agency involvement, families need to show that they are actively engaged in their child’s healing,” VanTine said. My family had multiple independent professionals recommending out-of-home placement for Joe.
4. What Resources Are Available?
Out-of-home placement can be expensive. Depending on the type of placement, insurance may not cover it. Some plans cover therapeutic placements, but those stays are typically short-term and often inadequate for addressing the root causes of reactive attachment disorder or developmental trauma disorder.
“A shorter placement may be beneficial in giving the family and the child a break to calm and regroup,” VanTine said. “Unfortunately, they’re not long enough to address the real cause of the disorder, and the family may end up in crisis again.”
When we were researching placements for Joe, programs ranged from a few months to a couple of years and cost anywhere from $4,000 to $18,000 per month. We were advised to ask family for help, take out a second mortgage, involve the school system or use credit cards to cover the costs. While it was nothing we had ever envisioned doing, it was the only resource we had left. But at least it was something.
At the time, I couldn’t begin to sort through those options. After nearly a decade of living in crisis, my PTSD made it difficult to think clearly — even simple daily tasks like making dinner felt impossible, let alone major financial decisions.
That’s where organizations like RAD Advocates make a difference. Many parents of children with reactive attachment disorder reach this same point — completely overwhelmed, exhausted and unsure what to do next. Having experienced advocates who understand both the emotional and practical realities can help families navigate complex systems when they’re too depleted to do it alone. Read “A Family’s Journey Through the Challenges of Reactive Attachment Disorder: Hope, Heartache and Healing” to see how one family found support and perspective through connection and education.
“If the rest of the family — especially the parents — are no longer able to support and co-regulate all the children in the home, the family unit is at risk,” RAD Advocates CEO Amy VanTine said.
Many parents in similar situations experience what’s known as “blocked care” — a biological and emotional shutdown that happens after years of chronic stress. (Learn more in “Blocked Care, Secondary Trauma, and the Hardest Job in the World: Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder” .)
It’s a well-documented phenomenon — researchers and therapists have found that parenting children with trauma can lead to secondary trauma or PTSD in parents themselves. (See “When Parents Are Traumatized by Their Children”, Psychology Today.)
For many families, placement becomes a turning point — a way to pause the chaos, create safety and begin to address trauma in an environment better equipped to handle it.
5. What Is the Child’s Buy-In?
“Ultimately, placement will be determined by the child’s buy-in. How committed is the child to healing and participating in a family unit?” VanTine said.
In programs designed specifically for children with reactive attachment disorder and developmental trauma disorder, one of the main goals is to cultivate that buy-in. “Some kids do have buy-in but are too activated to function in a family unit,” she said. “They need time to calm their brains and see how good life can be.”
The child’s level of buy-in determines whether placement will be therapeutically focused or safety focused.
In our family, Joe did not have buy-in. He clearly expressed that he did not want to be part of our family and would do whatever it took to avoid living with us. During his last short-term placement, he asked to be put back into foster care. Learn more about the concept of buy-in in the post, "Why Parents Can’t Heal Childhood Trauma With Love Alone."
6. Does the Placement Support the Needs of the Entire Family?
When discussing short-term placements used as breaks for families, I asked VanTine if she knew of families who actually calmed and regulated during those breaks. My family never did. I suffered from insomnia and headaches. My oldest son had nightmares. My youngest would vomit uncontrollably at the thought of Joe coming home. All of us were so traumatized and dysregulated that short-term placements acted as temporary stopgaps, leaving us more agitated as we waited for the next crisis. Read "What PTSD Looks Like in Kids with Siblings with Reactive Attachment Disorder."
“The placement needs to meet the needs of the entire family,” VanTine said. “Unfortunately, many placements focus solely on the child with reactive attachment disorder or developmental trauma disorder and fail to recognize the impact the disorder has on everyone else.”
She recalled a mother whose child’s program required weekly family therapy. “The poor woman would become so agitated and physically ill leading up to each visit, only to recover so she could start the process all over again the next week,” VanTine said. “That was not a program that focused on the impact of the disorder and the needs of the entire family. It was actually causing more damage and decreasing the likelihood of reunification.”
Finding Hope After Out-of-Home Placement for Reactive Attachment Disorder
Navigating the need for out-of-home placement was one of the most difficult decisions my husband and I made on our parenting journey with reactive attachment disorder and developmental trauma disorder. In retrospect, it’s one I wish I had known was available to us before irreparable damage was done — before safety became the only concern. Perhaps Joe could have rejoined our home.
Out-of-home placement isn’t about giving up on a child — it’s about keeping hope alive in the safest way possible. Read “What to Say When People Wonder Why Your Kid With Reactive Attachment Disorder Lives Somewhere Else” for help explaining your family’s decisions to relatives, friends, or professionals who may not understand.
Wherever your family is on this journey, know that RAD Advocates — led by parents who have been where you are — possesses the knowledge and experience to help you walk this path in a way that supports your entire family. If you're feeling unsafe now and have not yet considered out-of-home placement, read “How to Stay Safe at Home While Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder” for strategies families can use when safety is beginning to break down but out-of-home placement hasn’t yet occurred.
At our upcoming NavRAD event, we’ll offer sessions designed to help parents understand their options, navigate complex systems and make informed decisions that prioritize safety and healing for the entire family — including the child with reactive attachment disorder.
Feeling lost on the RAD parenting journey?
You’re not alone — and you don’t have to figure it out on your own. Connect with RAD Advocates to find real answers from those who’ve walked this path, no matter where you are along the journey.
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