Things to Say (and Not Say) to Support Those Parenting Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Anonymous
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Updated: 21 hours ago
When my son, Joe, who had been diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder (RAD), was about 8 years old, I went to the bank to open accounts for our children. By that point, we were several years into our journey and about two years into having the diagnosis, which is also referred to as developmental trauma disorder.
Naturally, the accounts manager asked me about my children. In a moment of overwhelm, desperation, and exhaustion, I started crying and poured out our story — sparing few details — on this unsuspecting woman.
What surprised me most was her compassionate response.
By then, I had come to expect blame, judgment, unhelpful suggestions, and dismissive comments — especially from family, friends, and even professionals (read "The Added Trauma of Raising a Child With Developmental Trauma: When Everyone Turns Against You"). I had become cautious about who I shared our story with and how much I shared for fear of more blame. This incident was both an anomaly and a mark of how broken I had become.
A complete stranger, who was simply opening bank accounts for my children, offered me more compassion than most of the people in my inner circle — and even more than many of the professionals I had paid for help (read "The Reactive Attachment Disorder Resource Desert: Why Parents Can't Find Good Help for Their Kids"). She told me about another family she knew who was struggling with the same disorder. She cried with me. She hugged me. Most importantly, she believed me.
While this woman wasn’t in a position to offer help, respite, or advice, just listening to my meltdown gave me the strength to keep going that day. Sometimes, that’s enough.
Why Support Matters for Those Parenting Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder
Most people have never heard of reactive attachment disorder until they’re suddenly parenting a child with it. According to a 2013 study published in The Scientific World Journal, the disorder affects only about 1 to 2 percent of the general population but is far more common among children who have experienced early trauma — for example, those in the foster care system (PubMed).
Because the disorder is so rarely understood, parents are often met with judgment, misguided advice, or silence when they need compassion and support the most. The result? Families facing RAD often become isolated — left to handle an incredibly complex disorder on their own.
So, what can you say that truly helps?
Six Things to Say to Those Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder
1. I believe you.
“I believe you” is probably the most powerful statement you can make to a parent of a child with reactive attachment disorder.
The default in our society is often to blame parents any time a child struggles. But RAD is a brain disorder that develops from trauma in early life — it is not caused by bad parenting (read "What Really Causes Reactive Attachment Disorder? Understanding the Impact of Early Trauma").
When parents aren’t believed, the implication is that they are lying or exaggerating. Belief restores hope.
2. I trust you are doing your best.
Most parents are doing their best with the resources they have. Children with RAD stretch those resources to the limit, which means families reach crisis levels more quickly.
In our family, multiple professionals and agencies all agreed that out-of-home placement was in Joe’s best interest — and in the best interest of our entire family. Yet, people still questioned our decision. Trying to convince others we were doing our best, despite appearances, added unnecessary stress.
Trusting parents in their choices — even if you don’t fully understand them — goes a long way.
3. How can I help?
When people hear our story, they often don’t offer help because they either fear I’ll ask too much or feel helpless themselves.
Our next-door neighbors, who had a niece with RAD, were angels in this regard. Sometimes they watched Joe’s siblings while I took him for crisis assessments. Other times, they brought food. At the worst point in our journey, they even offered to temporarily take custody of our other children if needed.
Not everyone can help at that level. Sometimes the greatest help is simply listening without judgment.
4. How are you doing?
This question is loaded — but when asked with genuine care, it can mean the world.
During our journey, I was rarely asked how I was doing (read "Reactive Attachment Disorder: What It Does to a Parent's Mind, Body and Soul"). All the focus was on Joe. No one stopped to ask if I was sleeping, eating, or surviving on more than protein bars and coffee.
Once, when I reached out to our post-adoption caseworker at a breaking point, she didn’t call me back for three days. Her explanation? “You’re so strong. I thought you would be okay.” But I wasn’t.
Asking how a parent is doing, and being ready to listen, can be life-changing.
5. This won’t last forever.
Depending on the parent, this can feel comforting or dismissive. For me, it was comforting. Reminding myself that nothing lasts forever gave me just enough hope to keep going.
Hearing others echo it helped me imagine a future where peace might exist again in my home.
6. Where can I find resources to learn more?
Family and friends who take initiative to learn about reactive attachment disorder are a parent’s dream.
It is exhausting to explain the dynamics of RAD while also parenting, managing constant crises, and trying to stay sane. When loved ones educate themselves, it lightens the load tremendously.
Even starting small — by asking for resources — shows you care and want to understand. To sign up for RAD Advocates email is a good start, by the way.
Three Things Not to Say to Those Parenting Kids With Reactive Attachment Disorder
Sometimes, knowing what not to say is just as important.
1. Don’t say: All they need is love.
Parents already love their children deeply. But love alone doesn’t heal reactive attachment disorder — in fact, it can make things worse if boundaries and safety are ignored. Learn more from the blog post "Why Parents Can’t Heal Childhood Trauma With Love Alone."
That’s because the disorder is activated by attempts at nurturing and connection. What looks like normal affection in a typical family can provoke fear, resistance, and even rage in a child with RAD. Without the right structure, boundaries, and professional guidance, “more love” isn’t a cure — it can further destabilize both the child and the family.
2. Don’t say: All kids do that.
Children with RAD may show behaviors that look similar to those of other kids — running away, lying, defiance. But the frequency, intensity, and safety risks are on a completely different scale.
What may be a funny story for one family is an ongoing safety crisis for another. Dismissing it as “normal” minimizes the severity and leaves parents feeling even more isolated.
3. Don’t say: Just try this…
Most people don’t outright say, “This is your fault.” But offering suggestions based on experiences with neurotypical children often lands the same way.
When parents of children with reactive attachment disorder hear things like, “Just try more structure,” “Have you tried therapy?” or “We used this method and it worked for us,” the message they often receive is: you’re not trying hard enough.
These quick fixes may work for children without significant trauma, but they dismiss the complexity of RAD. Instead of feeling supported, parents walk away feeling judged, misunderstood, and alone.
The Bottom Line: Supporting Parents Supports Kids
If you want to support children with reactive attachment disorder, start by supporting the parents raising them. Love alone isn’t enough — but compassion, belief, and education can make a real difference.
Join our community of support for families. Sign up for RAD Advocates emails to learn more and find ways to walk alongside parents on this difficult journey.