
A holiday season of gratitude is upon us. But it can feel incredibly difficult to feel thankful in the midst of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). I can attest that I've found gifts in strange packages via RAD parenting—a metaphor often shared by childhood trauma expert Forrest Lien at NavRAD, an annual event hosted by RAD Advocates for those parenting children with the disorder.
But it can take a long time. and a ton of hard work, to accept these gifts.
After 40 years of clinical experience serving RAD families, Lien has seen the incredible heartache—as well as growth—that RAD caregivers can experience over time. I first heard this reference to gifts in strange packages from Lien years ago when my family was in a deep, deep crisis. We had just refused custody of Joe*, our son with reactive attachment disorder. Everything was upside-down and uncertain.
I was filled with fear and anger at how our foster/adoption journey had turned out back then. And I didn’t want to hear about how this experience, this disorder, brought us any strange gifts. I just wanted my family to be safe and whole.
Reactive attachment disorder is a serious developmental brain disorder in which children experience neglect or abuse during their formative years, leaving them triggered by intimacy, vulnerability, and connection. To maintain emotional and physical distance, children with the disorder are masters at discerning the very behaviors that provoke a well-meaning caregiver’s own insecurities and unhealed trauma. This is how the opportunity for growth, albeit painful, is often given to those parenting children with reactive attachment disorder.
The Reality of Raising Joe
It was immediately clear upon meeting Joe that he was different from other kids. Challenging is the word I’ve always used to describe him. The word tones down the reality of what living with Joe was actually like for our family. From the moment he entered our home at 2 years old, he pushed boundaries and refused to accept no as an answer. He was excessively physical to the point of injuring his siblings. He was also extremely intelligent, already speaking in clear and coherent full sentences as a toddler.
My husband and I explained Joe’s behavior as that of a merely precocious and traumatized toddler. While there was truth to that explanation, Joe never settled into our safe and nurturing family as he grew older. It was more than “just trauma and attachment issues”. His behaviors only escalated and became more sophisticated, creating real safety concerns for our family.
Parenting Joe while trying to ensure the safety of my entire family forced me to recognize, evaluate, and change my response to his behavior in a way that was different from any other parenting strategies I'd come across.
The Gifts I Gathered Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder
By the time we reached the point where refusing custody of Joe was the best of the terrible options available to us, I had already unknowingly capitalized on many of the gifts in strange packages that the disorder unpacked for me.
These gifts include:
1. I learned to unapologetically and calmly set emotional and physical boundaries after parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder.
Children with reactive attachment disorder experienced trauma during critical early developmental stages in life. They missed the chance to establish trust in caregivers like other neurotypical children do. Due to the lack of trust and a need for control to feel safe, children with RAD do not accept limits from their caregivers.
Joe’s biggest trigger was when we told him no—he would rage for hours upon hours. It didn’t matter if he was denied ice cream or the opportunity to chase a coyote through the woods. It was an intense trigger that poked at his need to maintain control at all times to secure a false sense of safety.
Joe was only agreeable when he got what he wanted when he wanted, and how he wanted it. Unfortunately, I spent far too long trying to anticipate Joe’s desires in futile attempts to avoid his rages. I turned myself inside out, trying to get him what he wanted and to be what he wanted me to be.
Need help navigating the system as a RAD parent? Become a RAD Advocates member or/and attend NavRAD24.
With time, Joe began to rage whether we told him no or not. His rages became a way to control the family, especially me. I eventually noticed that when we ignored his raging, he’d stop instantly. He became erringly pleasant in seconds.
For my own sake and the sake of my family, I had to learn how to become nonreactive to Joe’s volatility and to set boundaries that ensured everyone got their needs met, not just Joe. I had to stop trying to make Joe happy and set reasonable boundaries for the sanity and safety of my entire family.
Parenting Joe while trying to ensure the safety of my entire family forced me to recognize, evaluate, and change my response to his behavior in a way that was different from any other parenting strategies I'd come across.
In therapy, I worked on avoiding outward displays of emotion around Joe and how to find internal calm. When Joe attempted to emotionally control me, I learned to remain unbothered. I likened myself to the eye of the storm. Joe’s winds blew fierce and hard while I sat in the middle, letting him spin.
I also became better at setting boundaries. I no longer let my fear of Joe’s explosiveness control the activities of our family. I stepped back and gave Joe the emotional distance he clearly wanted. I delegated things like transportation and homework help to caseworkers and tutors. I stopped engaging in arguments. If I waited long enough in silence after circular questions, he’d often answer them himself.
When I learned how to respond differently to Joe, his rages decreased in frequency. But the relative peace that returned to our home made Joe uncomfortable. He no longer controlled our home which provoked his insecurities and fear of vulnerability and intimacy. Unfortunately, however, Joe’s rages began to increase in intensity in an attempt to regain control over me. By the end, there were no boundaries he would not cross. He became homicidal.
When our physical boundaries as a family could no longer be protected with Joe in our home, we had to create a physical boundary from him. It was a heart-wrenching decision, but I had learned that boundaries were essential.
Now, in the aftermath of reactive attachment disorder, I rarely get ruffled by another person’s emotionality. A friend recently complimented me on my ability to diffuse drama. I have Joe to thank. And I’ve become a pro at gracefully saying no to protect my boundaries.
2. I’ve learned to set clear priorities.
When our family was in crisis, restoring safety was the only concern. It made decision-making very easy.
As long as everyone is safe, I don’t get bothered by much anymore. The anxiety I used to feel around things like cleaning the house or my family’s schedule no longer gets me hyped the way it once did. Things will get done. People will get where they need to be.
I had to stop trying to make Joe happy and set reasonable boundaries for the sanity and safety of my entire family.
If everyone feels safe in our home and everyone feels safe with each other, everything else is gravy. I just don’t have it in me to get worked up about trivial matters anymore. Of course, it took a lot of therapy and work to get to this point.
As a family, we’ve realized that the sense of peace and joy that comes with shared experiences is invaluable. And we work to cultivate that daily. Our experience with Joe made what was important in life very clear.
3. We have healthier relationships now.
A sad reality of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder is that many relationships suffer as a result. My husband and I have lost countless relationships because Joe was good at triangulating and manipulating situations and making up stories—all parts of reactive attachment disorder. Many of our friends and family couldn’t or wouldn’t understand what was happening in our family. That part of this journey has been heartbreaking.
At one point, my parents were either unwilling or unable to understand what the disorder was doing to our family and were actively participating in Joe’s manipulations and triangulations, enabling his disorder and making my family less safe. We were forced to limit contact with my parents for several years. Thankfully, they have since educated themselves on the disorder and we’ve repaired our relationship.
I also became better at setting boundaries. I no longer let my fear of Joe’s explosiveness control the activities of our family. I stepped back and gave Joe the emotional distance he clearly wanted.
While many relationships did not survive this journey, the relationships that have endured are so much better for it. Our marriage and relationships with our other children are no exception. My husband and I often reflect on how our circle of people has dramatically shrunk. But we’re incredibly grateful for those who stayed, supported, and trusted us. And those relationships have only grown stronger from it.
4. We’ve met, and become, parents and professionals who give back to the reactive attachment disorder parenting journey.
Some of the most dedicated, intelligent, kind, and warrior-spirited people I’ve ever met are fellow parents of children with reactive attachment disorder. My family would not have survived this far without other parents who are living it and organizations like RAD Advocates.
As I mentioned above, it is rare for a parent with a child with RAD to be believed and supported by those who have no experience with this disorder. The support and validation provided by those in the know is priceless.
My husband and I often reflect on how our circle of people has dramatically shrunk. But we’re incredibly grateful for those who stayed, supported, and trusted us. And those relationships have only grown stronger from it.
Without other parents living with a child with the disorder to validate our experience, I may have lost my sanity in this journey. Without the support of knowledgeable and empathetic professionals, we would not have been able to find a solution that allows for the safety and well-being of my entire family, including Joe. Because of that, I am grateful to be one of those parents and professionals who give back to those still navigating this disorder with their family.
If I could have chosen to learn these lessons in any other way, I would have. But I choose to be grateful for the gifts in strange packages that were delivered along the journey of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder. I've worked hard to accept and grow from each one of them.
*name changed to protect identity
Photo by Joyce Adams on Unsplash
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