Updated in April of 2024
As they stood before the room full of parents at the Navigating RAD 2024 (NavRAD24) event, RAD Advocates CEO Amy VanTine and COO Heather Houze saw a familiar look. Many of the attendees, those parenting children from hard places, had eyes full of sadness and urgency. They scanned the room for signs of hope. It was an expression of the pain Amy and Heather once felt while raising children with developmental trauma, currently diagnosed as reactive attachment disorder (RAD).
Amy and Heather's response was different from the advice many of the parents had heard before. They didn't dismiss their reality as parents. She didn't tell them that time and love would fix their child's disorder. She told them the unsugared truth — that the road ahead wouldn't be easy, not at all. But there is a path forward, they told them. It may not be the path that the parents envisioned early on in their parenting journey, but paths unique to their stories exist.
"We know that most clinicians don't truly understand developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder. We know that many people judge rather than help parents. We know social services and insurance companies work against them," says Amy. "We know. We're trying to bridge that gap. We have to help the professionals to help us as parents."
At NavRAD24 held in San Antonio this April, those raising children with the disorder learned they weren't alone. They traveled from all over to feel connected with other families in one place. They were all searching for the same answer — how to survive the confusing and family-damaging developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder, the result of early childhood trauma.
And they did leave with answers.
Parents left with their completed Your Reactive Attachment Disorder Parenting Roadmap workbooks customized to move their families forward. They did so through the guidance of RAD Advocates and other professionals who truly understand the complexities of the disorder and the mental health and social services systems.
"We know most clinicians don't truly understand reactive attachment disorder. We know that many people judge rather than help parents. We know social services and insurance companies work against them," says RAD Advocates CEO and Founder Amy VanTine. "We know. We're trying to bridge that gap. We have to help the professionals to help us as parents."
Along with their workbooks, parents left with the wisdom that the presenters learned the hard way themselves.
If you're a parent who couldn't attend NavRAD24, here are some of the highlights you can glean from the experience (thank you to Keri Williams, NavRAD presenter and author, for contributing):
Children with the disorder do not react to healthy parenting the way neurotypical children do. A child with developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder reacts from a brain-based survival need for safety and control. This includes rejecting their primary caregiver at all costs. Excessive lying and stealing are examples of the behaviors that result from developmental delays in their attachment (consider Erik Erikson's attachment cycle theory to understand healthy versus unhealthy attachment).
Primary caregivers of children with developmental trauma often develop post-traumatic stress disorder as they are "the nurturing enemy" of the child. Primary caregivers often experience repeated rejections from their children, relentless control battles, loss of friends/spouse, and isolation without support.
Can we “fix” developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder? It depends on how severe their disorder is. Reactive attachment disorder falls on a spectrum just like other struggles such as autism. No matter what, however, co-morbid mental health issues must be treated first.
From Alli Donovan, RN, FNP-C, PMHNP-BC:
Parents are the experts on their child. You are the best historian your child has in reporting their behaviors, reactions to medications, etc. Confidently share this information with your clinician.
Some children with developmental trauma have an inherited mental health disorder. Given their genetics, your child may struggle with both a mental illness and developmental trauma/reactive attachment disorder. They must both be appropriately diagnosed and treated, which is rare in our mental health system.
Bipolar is a common inherited disorder that children with reactive attachment disorder/developmental trauma have. They also may have an antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or paranoid schizophrenia (very rare).
The medications most children with developmental trauma receive, including antidepressants and stimulants, can have adverse effects. Kids with childhood bipolar often get misdiagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and over-diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (even if they do have ADHD, it is far from the root issue and should be treated last rather than first). Both of these misdiagnoses lead to medication mismanagement.
Love will not cure RAD. We’re told all we need is love from churches, agencies, therapists, and our families. That statement is untrue, damaging, and often dangerous for families.
Some families are damaged beyond the point of recovery. This is merely a fact. It does not mean that the parents have failed.
Clinicians are ill-prepared for how to work with RAD families through their education. RAD is not adequately covered in graduate school programs. Carries knows this from personal experience (along with Forrest Lien, LCSW, and many others at the event). To find a clinician who truly understands RAD, you'll need to look for someone who has personal or professional experience outside of their graduate programs.
Primary caregivers (often the mom) of kids with RAD get PTSD as they are "the nurturing enemy" of the child. Moms often experience repeated rejections from their children, relentless control battles, loss of friends/spouse, and isolation without support.
Presenter Monica Badgley interviewed a panel of young adults who grew up with a sibling with RAD about their experiences then and now. Together, they shared the following:
Bonded kids often take it upon themselves to help their parents with their sibling with RAD (as RAD impacts the entire family). They aren’t able to rest in their role as a kid and they grow up quickly. As parents, we must be mindful that our child sees themselves as a teammate.
As parents, we have to learn how to set our bonded kids free. It’s not their job to protect us and to take care of their RAD sibling.
When our kids expose how they are feeling, it is their way of decompressing. Even if you feel that you have no idea what to “do,” that doesn’t matter. Just let them talk. Talking allows them to process their feelings which is the step to healing.
It’s not a failure when you need more help. Allowing the child to continue to fail at home is not a way forward. There is no treading water with RAD. The entire family is being damaged.
Looks for signs that your child may need placement and move forward. These signals include when reactive attachment disorder is impacting their entire home and when your child does not participate in receiving help.
"Good parenting" does not matter with reactive attachment disorder. You cannot watch them 24 hours a day, you cannot force them to change, and you cannot put the rest of the family at risk.
Tracey interviewed Andurina, a young woman who was diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder as a child but is now thriving as a young adult, and her mother. Audurina shared the following:
Healing from reactive attachment disorder is a personal decision. Audurina says, “For me, it was a choice. I had to get to a point where I wanted a happy, better life.”
Neurofeedback was helpful in processing emotions. However, because it got Andurina working through her emotions, it caused her behavior to escalate. She didn’t feel comfortable with feelings or being vulnerable.
An effective attachment therapist does not get swayed by reactive attachment disorder. Andurina had a good therapist who held her accountable and was not manipulated by reactive attachment disorder.
Success begins with getting everyone’s head above water. Depending on your situation and child, this alone may be all you can do.
The traditional parenting goal of helping our kids live up to their potential doesn’t apply with reactive attachment disorder. RAD is too dysregulating for our kids to tap into their gifts and talents and they probably don’t want to live up to their potential right now.
Especially if they are violent, having your child view you as the enemy can put you and your other children in danger. Find ways to pull back and build goodwill with your child.
It’s not a failure when you need more help. Allowing the child to continue to fail at home is not a way forward. There is no treading water with reactive attachment disorder. The entire family is being damaged.
You are not alone. When Amy was in the thick of raising a child with RAD, she felt completely isolated. So she looked for anyone else in her situation online. Not only did she find them, but learned that two other moms in her shoes lived in the very same Colorado small town. She has realized that RAD is far more prevalent than mental health professionals recognize. Thus, she formed RAD Advocates with the hope to build a community of RAD parents worldwide to foster advocacy and change.
Self-care is critical. Amy and Heather walk beside parents from wherever they are on their journey. Whether a parent is just learning about reactive attachment disorder and trying to get ahead of it or is in crisis hiding in their closet (sadly, not uncommon), RAD Advocates insist on self-care. It can feel impossible to find that care but anything is better than nothing. From getting away for a weekend to taking a long comforting shower, you must do it for the safety and wellness of yourself and, thus, your entire family.
We have to create something from nothing for our RAD families. “We’re fighting for something that doesn’t exist. We’re working within a system that is broken," says Amy. "We must be creative and resourceful and navigate what we do have." If help and advocacy were plentiful for RAD parents, there'd be no need for RAD Advocates. The hope is that one day, there is no need for the nonprofit organization. We are not there though, not yet.
Navigating RAD is not your typical event like a conference. It is not a typical event because RAD is not your typical issue. RAD families need and deserve something different. NavRAD is a guided plan-building experience for parents navigating reactive attachment disorder.
As Amy says, we're banning together to create solutions that are not easy or evident. But, together, we can pool our resources, creativity, and community. It is a monumental task, but for a monumental need. Everyone benefits when RAD parents get the support they need and deserve.
Together, we will pave the path. Together, we are all stronger RAD advocates. Join us.
About the author:
With a background in the nonprofit, education, and mental health sectors, Nichole Noonan founded Pen & Stick Communications to help organizations further their reach in the world via the fusion of communications strategy and copywriting. She has a particular niche in the area of reactive attachment disorder and passionately supports the RAD Advocates mission. Nichole earned a Bachelor of Arts in Journalism and a Master of Education.