How to Protect Your Relationship While Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Cami Lewis
- Jul 21
- 7 min read
Parenting a child with special needs can profoundly impact a relationship. According to the NY Mental Health Center, families navigating complex diagnoses like reactive attachment disorder (RAD) face higher rates of separation than families with neurotypical developing children. The pressure comes from every direction — emotional exhaustion, financial strain, public misunderstanding, and the daily toll of parenting a child with intense behavioral needs.
When my husband and I brought home our two-year-old son, who has moderate to severe reactive attachment disorder, it nearly broke us. Becoming parents to a child with RAD felt like throwing ourselves to the wolves. The first five years were, without question, the most difficult period of our relationship. But we made it. We’re still together 15 years later — still navigating life with RAD — and more confident than ever in the strength of our relationship.
Families navigating complex diagnoses like reactive attachment disorder (RAD) face higher rates of separation than families with neurotypical developing children.
We learned that you have two choices: you can let RAD fracture your relationship, or you can let it draw you closer. It’s never easy. But if both partners commit to the mindset of us versus the disorder, a new kind of connection is possible.
Understanding the Nurturing Enemy Dynamic
One of the most destabilizing dynamics that reactive attachment disorder creates in a home is triangulation. But this isn’t just a child trying to get their way — it’s often part of what RAD experts call the nurturing enemy dynamic. Children with RAD often push away a parent who offers structure and nurture, while charming the other parent as a way to exert triangulation in the family system and gain control.
This pattern can happen to any couple, regardless of experience, training, or parenting philosophy. A powerful example is the Madrids — a real family featured here by RAD Advocates. Dr. Madrid, a practicing physician, and his wife Whanda adopted a child who had experienced early trauma. At the time, they had no idea that reactive attachment disorder even existed. Years later, their daughter would receive the diagnosis — long after the most intense behaviors had taken root in their home and their relationship had already been pushed to the brink.
Children with RAD often push away a parent who offers structure and nurture, while charming the other parent as a way to exert triangulation in the family system and gain control. This pattern can happen to any couple, regardless of experience, training, or parenting philosophy.
Whanda became the primary caregiver — researching treatments, managing appointments, and coping with the escalating behaviors. Dr. Madrid worked 40–50 hours a week and was initially unaware of the full severity until he witnessed it firsthand. Their daughter began lying to Dr. Madrid — often blaming or manipulating situations — to gain favor or redirect attention. During this intense period, Whanda was isolated and shouldering the emotional burden alone, becoming the “nurturing enemy” in her own home.
Jan Lundell, a RAD Advocates team member and longtime parent advocate, worked with many couples facing this same pattern when she taught Connected Hearts: A Couples Workshop for Those Parenting Children With RAD — a three-part course offered exclusively to RAD Advocates parent members. In that workshop, she drew on her lived experience and studies in family relations and parent and family education to help couples understand the patterns that often emerge when children with RAD feel threatened by closeness and connection. Jan emphasized that these behaviors are rooted in fear and self-protection — and that recognizing this can be the first step toward protecting the relationship, not just managing the behavior.
If the "RAD patterns" aren't interrupted, it can erode trust between parents. One parent becomes isolated, the other confused. Both may start questioning each other — and eventually themselves. But RAD doesn’t have to tear a relationship apart.
Bridging the Gap Between You That Reactive Attachment Disorder Divides
That approach echoed what we had learned through our own experience. We had developed what we called the “ask your dad” strategy. When our son came to me with a request, my automatic response was, “Ask your dad.” If he circled back to me, usually trying to get a different outcome, I’d say, “I need to ask dad.” We stuck to that script every time.
It may sound simple, but our strategies stopped so many of the daily power struggles that had been wearing us down. Instead of getting caught in the chaos of “he said/she said” or reacting emotionally to the manipulation, we stayed in sync. Only one of us remained in control of the decision at a time, and our son learned that we weren’t going to be divided.
Even now, years into this journey, we continue to use this strategy — and it still helps protect not just our parenting, but our relationship.
You can let RAD fracture your relationship, or you can let it draw you closer. It’s never easy. But if both partners commit to the mindset of us versus the disorder, a new kind of connection is possible.
When you're the primary caregiver, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, invalidated, and alone (read one mom's story here). You may be the one absorbing the brunt of the child’s rage and manipulation — and over time, that role as the “nurturing enemy” can lead to post-traumatic stress. For the other parent, the journey may be less visibly volatile but still deeply confusing and painful.
When one partner is home more — or simply in the blast zone of the child’s behaviors more often — it can start to feel like you’re living two different realities. The spouse who is less exposed may doubt what’s really happening. The one who’s targeted may begin to feel desperate and invisible. And that divide can quietly grow until it begins to damage the relationship itself.
One thing that helped us was returning to trust. Even when we couldn’t see eye to eye in the moment, we reminded ourselves that we know who we together. We chose each other for a reason. When one of us began questioning the other, we paused and remembered that the real threat was the disorder — not the person in front of us.
Communicate With Grace, Not Just Grit
Reactive attachment disorder doesn't just impact parenting — it impacts the nervous system. Both partners are likely living in a state of near-constant stress and hypervigilance (read one woman's story here). That’s a recipe for reactivity and misunderstanding.
One of the best tools we learned was using soft start-ups during hard conversations. Start by owning your part. Then use “I statements” to describe how you feel and what you need. It’s not always natural — especially when your bandwidth is maxed out — but it changes the tone and gives your partner a chance to meet you where you are.
We also tried to be generous with forgiveness. We weren’t always at our best — but we always came back to the same goal: surviving this, together.
Practical Ways to Protect Your Relationship From Reactive Attachment Disorder Triangulation
Create a Playbook: RAD behaviors are often repetitive. You can plan for them. Talk through common scenarios and agree on responses ahead of time. Always show agreement in the moment — even if you disagree privately.
Connect Without Talking About RAD: Set aside a few minutes a day to do something together — take a walk, sit outside, watch a show — and commit to not talking about your child. It may feel forced at first. That’s okay. Do it anyway.
Get Help When Needed: Couples counseling doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It means you're being proactive. RAD adds fuel to any pre-existing tension. A neutral third party can help both partners feel heard.
Invest in Micro-Moments: Leave a kind note. Make coffee for each other. Sit close on the couch. These small gestures help rebuild trust and tenderness.
Use a Tag-Team Approach: Don’t let one parent absorb all the impact. Agree in advance on when and how to tag each other out. This simple strategy prevents burnout — and resentment.
Respite Is Critical: This can’t be overstated. The entire family — including your relationship — needs a break. Even a short window of time away from parenting can reset your nervous system.
When the Weight Is Shared, You Can Walk the Path Together
One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder is how misunderstood you feel. Friends may not understand. Family may not believe you. Even professionals often get it wrong.
That isolation can wedge itself between you and your spouse. It can make you question yourselves — and each other. That’s what happened to us, and it’s what happens to so many couples we’ve met through RAD Advocates.
When you're the primary caregiver, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, invalidated, and alone. You may be the one absorbing the brunt of the child’s rage and manipulation — and over time, that role as the “nurturing enemy” can lead to post-traumatic stress.
While RAD Advocates doesn’t offer relationship counseling, they have helped our relationship in a different — and incredibly important — way. They’ve walked alongside us in some of the most confusing and traumatic seasons of parenting. They’ve helped us make decisions when we couldn’t think straight. They’ve reminded us that we’re not alone. And that clarity, support, and advocacy have made it easier for us to show up for each other — not just as co-parents, but as partners.
If you're struggling in your relationship while parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder, you’re far from alone. There are no quick fixes. But sometimes, in the midst of chaos, the most powerful thing you can do is look at each other, steady yourselves, and move forward together — one step at a time.
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