Blocked Care, Secondary Trauma, and the Hardest Job in the World: Parenting a Child With Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Cami Lewis
- 1 day ago
- 5 min read
When I think about the impact of reactive attachment disorder (also known as developmental trauma disorder) on parents and caregivers, one line from author and parent advocate Keri Williams comes to mind. Williams says, “It’s easy to have an opinion about raising a kid with reactive attachment disorder, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to actually do.”
Williams will be presenting her session “Redefining Success as You Raise a Child with RAD” at NavRAD 2026 in April, a fitting continuation of her mission to support and validate parents who often feel unseen.
My husband and I are no strangers to hardship. After facing primary and secondary infertility and repeated pregnancy loss over a decade, the idea of adopting a child from another country seemed manageable. We were mistaken.
We adopted our son at age 2 and noticed almost immediately that something was seriously wrong. Within months, we suspected reactive attachment disorder, although we didn’t get an official diagnosis for many years. Like so many others, we believed love alone would be enough to heal him. We were mistaken again.
“It’s easy to have an opinion about raising a kid with reactive attachment disorder, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to actually do.”
Nothing difficult in our lives — including infertility and pregnancy loss — compared to raising a child with moderate to severe reactive attachment disorder. As Williams put it, it truly is “the hardest thing in the world to actually do.”
Blocked Care and Blocked Trust in Families Impacted by Developmental Trauma
Parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder challenges even the most resilient parents. The disorder often creates intense emotional strain and chronic stress, leaving caregivers exhausted and unsure how to connect with their child.
One reason parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder is so difficult is a phenomenon called blocked care. Blocked care describes a parent's natural physical reaction to ongoing stress and trauma, when their nervous system “shuts down” empathy and emotional connection, even as they continue to meet basic needs. It is a self-protection mechanism, not a sign of poor parenting.
Blocked care is often seen in adoptive and foster parents caring for a child with “blocked trust” caused by early trauma. The resulting numbness, burnout, irritability, and focus on behaviors put a serious strain on the parent-child relationship, making it seem impossible to form a positive connection.
One mom described her experience this way:
“I’ve been experiencing blocked care with my now 10-year-old son since he was 3 or 4. I knew he was different by about 10 months old. He has severe ADHD, RAD, and ODD. We’ve done years of group therapy, family therapy, one-on-one therapy, intensive in-school therapy, medication, and I’ve done parenting classes. We have not had a relationship for many years. I actively avoid being near him and keep all interactions short. I don’t know what to do anymore; nothing is helping. He seems to target me specifically and has for years. He’s made very few strides, and I’m truly at a loss. I hate living like this. This is not how I pictured motherhood.”
The concept of blocked care has been explored extensively by Lisa C. Qualls and Melissa Corkum, hosts of the Adoption Wise podcast. Their work highlights how repeated rejection in the parent-child relationship can engage the brain’s social rejection mechanism, making rejection feel like physical pain and leading parents to withdraw in self-protection.
The Neuroscience Behind Reactive Attachment Disorder and Rejection
Research in neuroscience and caregiving shows that repeated experiences of rejection can activate brain pathways associated with physical pain. This helps explain why parents of children with reactive attachment disorder often experience intense emotional exhaustion — their brains respond to rejection as if they were being physically hurt. Over time, this response can make caregiving feel impossible, even when the parent deeply loves their child.
How Secondary Trauma Affects Parents of Children With Reactive Attachment Disorder
The term “primary PTSD” is used informally to distinguish standard post-traumatic stress disorder (caused by a single event) from more complex trauma responses. Complex PTSD develops from prolonged, repeated trauma — such as long-term abuse or severe neglect — and includes difficulties with emotional regulation and identity. Children with reactive attachment disorder often have diagnoses or symptom profiles consistent with complex PTSD.
Secondary traumatic stress (also called vicarious trauma) refers to emotional effects arising from exposure to another person’s trauma. This phenomenon often affects caregivers, including some adoptive and foster parents.
Like so many others, we believed love alone would be enough to heal him. We were mistaken again.
In one recent study, nearly 20 percent of adoptive parents scored in the clinical concern range for primary trauma, with 10 percent reaching thresholds suggestive of probable PTSD. Parents also reported higher levels of secondary trauma and burnout, and lower compassion satisfaction, compared to the general population. Notably, ongoing child-to-parent violence and behavioral challenges predicted higher trauma scores more than the child’s pre-adoption adverse experiences.
Another qualitative study reinforced how adoptive parents experience both direct and indirect trauma due to their child’s early maltreatment and current behaviors, showing how ongoing challenges in caregiving contribute to parental stress and trauma.
Supporting Parents Living With Blocked Care and Developmental Trauma
Parents experiencing blocked care or secondary trauma need compassion and support — not judgment. Their emotional detachment is a defense mechanism, not a failing. Recognizing their experience and offering genuine help can ease their burden and help them reconnect.
Practical advice for professionals working with parents:
Give parents time and space to share their experiences openly, without the child present.
Acknowledge what they are experiencing as a neurological stress response, not poor parenting. The words “I believe you” can make a profound difference.
Normalize and validate their feelings with compassion and curiosity.
Encourage supports such as safety planning, respite care, and self-care.
Provide RAD-specific interventions or refer them to specialists.
Normalize that breaks, structure, and even external placements may sometimes be necessary.
Encourage parents to reach out to RAD Advocates or similar support networks.
Redefining the Path Through Reactive Attachment Disorder
Parenting a child with reactive attachment disorder is one of the hardest jobs in the world. But as Williams reminds us, redefining what success looks like can help parents move forward with resilience. If you're a parent, join her session “Redefining Success as You Raise a Child with RAD” at NavRAD 2026 in April.
For more on the ways reactive attachment disorder impacts parents — from blocked care to physical health tolls — read our companion post here.
Interested in training and other opportunities to learn more about reactive attachment disorder, also known as complex developmental trauma?
You don’t have to figure it out all on your own as a clinician.
Email RAD Advocates at info@radadvocates.org to learn more about professional development opportunities. Also, Forrest Lien’s clinical training modules for professionals will launch in 2026 as part of RAD Advocates’ educational initiatives.