Why Positive Reinforcement Doesn’t Work: Rethinking Discipline for Children With Developmental Trauma
- Cami Lewis
- Sep 23
- 9 min read
My husband and I have been raising our oldest son, who lives with developmental trauma (diagnosed as reactive attachment disorder), for 10 years. Honestly, most days feel like Groundhog Day. We’re still dealing with the same behaviors from years ago and often fall into the trap of hopelessness. Our child tends to be defiant, passive-aggressive, and manipulative, along with destroying property and having explosive outbursts. Read “What Reactive Attachment Disorder Really Looks Like Inside of the Home.”
Like most parents, we started with the books and the checklists — sticker charts, praise, timeouts, point systems — and we followed the typical parenting advice to the letter. What works for many kids didn’t work for a child living with developmental trauma. We learned the hard way that behavior plans built on motivation and willpower miss a nervous system stuck in survival — and that we had to shift toward safety, regulation, structure, and relationship instead.
We later learned that children with developmental trauma process rewards and consequences very differently. Their brains, shaped by trauma, rarely respond to behavior systems in typical ways. A key reason is that the behaviors they need to change are often caused by a “can’t,” not a “won’t.” Dysregulation from traumatic experiences activates fight, flight, freeze, or tend-and-befriend responses, according to a 2000 study by Shelley Taylor and colleagues published in PubMed. Prolonged toxic stress can overwhelm the developing brain, disrupting attention, learning, and emotional regulation, according to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child.
Because of this, reinforcement systems can actually backfire. Some children with developmental trauma see them as a sort of “game” rather than a meaningful motivator, since approval from adults they don’t trust carries little weight. Many learn to manipulate the system to maintain their sense of control. With their midbrain focused on survival, they find little motivation in rewards.
Additionally, children from severely deprived backgrounds, like our son, may see little value in possessions, making material rewards ineffective for building attachment and trust. Children from traumatic backgrounds often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and may believe they are undeserving of rewards. In some cases, focusing on rewards can even worsen trauma responses, potentially making these methods harmful.
The child’s drive for control can also make reward systems feel threatening. Charts, prize boxes, and other approaches that set up a power imbalance are rarely effective for children with developmental trauma. Instead of encouraging cooperation, these systems can increase anxiety, reinforce shame, and even activate past sensations of helplessness, according to SAMHSA and ACEs Aware. Because they don’t address the underlying causes — such as insecurity, fear, or trauma — they often become the spark for power struggles that feel like a matter of survival.
Why Control Feels Safer in Developmental Trauma
For children with developmental trauma, a perceived power imbalance often reinforces their belief that staying in control is the only way to stay safe. What might seem like simple defiance is often a survival strategy — an instinctive response to protect themselves from vulnerability. As a result, they resist anything that feels like someone else trying to control them, including positive reinforcement systems. When they feel helpless and trapped in fight, flight, or freeze responses, they work to control everything and everyone around them as their main way of managing overwhelming feelings.
Clinician insight — Christine Dalton, LCSW, a RAD Advocates approved provider, said: “Generally, we will tend to re-create what we know or have known in our life. Children who came from chaotic early lives will often find comfort in those environments, so they will seek to re-create it in some manner. We had children with us for a bit that we required to have ‘Tantrum Tuesdays’ — whether they needed it or not. This allowed them to have some chaos, but it gave us some control over that chaos.”
How Developmental Trauma Disrupts Cause and Effect
This constant need for control also makes it hard for children with developmental trauma to connect their actions to outcomes. Trauma can disrupt the development of cause-and-effect thinking, which is essential for learning from consequences. Many of these children lack a clear understanding of how their behavior leads to rewards or repercussions, which can make reinforcement systems confusing and ineffective. They often respond with blame, denial, or poor decision-making. For children with hyper-aroused stress response systems, rewards and punishments can actually escalate behaviors instead of reducing them.
Clinician insight — Christine Dalton, LCSW, a RAD Advocates approved provider, said: “Teens and young adults are in the process of developing a frontal cortex — the second largest brain development in our lifetime. This phase goes until about the age of 25, which is generally why our car insurance goes down at that age. When this development is interrupted by drugs or trauma, a person can stay stuck at an early developmental stage. The same goes for early brain development.”
Because of this disrupted development, children with developmental trauma may struggle to think through potential consequences the way their peers can, according to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child. Their past experiences have taught them to see themselves as victims, and their need for control can make them view reinforcement systems as just another opportunity to manipulate rather than to learn.
Manipulation as a Survival Strategy in Developmental Trauma
In our experience, after a child has lived through chaos and learned not to trust adults, control starts to feel like safety — and manipulation can become one of the ways they try to keep that control. Over time, many become highly skilled at using behaviors to influence or control the people around them. If that approach works, they double down on it rather than change. And because trust is fragile, they try to meet their needs on their own terms. Rewards or consequences alone rarely interrupt this survival pattern.
Supporting Parents in Disciplining a Child With Developmental Trauma
Helping a child with developmental trauma learn rules and skills is an exhausting process for caregivers, and traditional behavior modification strategies often fail. Clinicians can support parents by framing discipline not as behavior correction, but as a long-term approach rooted in safety, regulation, and relationship. The strategies below can be offered as guiding principles for caregivers.
Emphasize Safety First
Coach parents to prioritize safety above behavioral change. Children with developmental trauma often live with ongoing anxiety, mistrust, and fear, which can lead to unsafe behaviors. While consistent consequences rarely stop behaviors entirely, they create predictability and help parents maintain structure. Encourage parents to assess safety risks and, if home-based supports are not sufficient, refer them to RAD Advocates for help developing a safety plan or walking through the process of considering safe out-of-home placement options. For specific and practical safety tips, reference “How to Stay Safe at Home While Parenting a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder.”
Strengthen Regulation Before Expecting Behavior Change
Help parents understand that a dysregulated child cannot learn or follow rules. Regulation is often extremely difficult for children with complex trauma, who may struggle with intense emotions, poor impulse control, and difficulty adapting to change. Clinicians can teach parents co-regulation strategies — such as reducing known activators, maintaining predictable routines, using grounding or breathing exercises, and offering limited, structured choices — to support emotional regulation before addressing behavior.
Promote Structure and Consistency
Coach parents to maintain consistent schedules and predictable routines. Unstructured time, such as weekends or school breaks, can be especially challenging for children with developmental trauma. Work with parents to develop proactive plans for high-risk times, which can reduce the child’s need for control and lower behavioral intensity. Connecting families to RAD Advocates can help them learn practical ways to create structure, particularly through their unique Empowered Parenting course, while also getting validation from others who have managed similar challenges.
Establish Predictable Limits
Encourage parents to set clear, consistent boundaries — and to enforce them calmly and reliably. Because many behaviors are rooted in fear, natural consequences alone are often ineffective. Help parents practice neutral enforcement of rules (for example, consistently removing a toy or privilege for the day when a boundary is broken) without escalating into arguments or power struggles.
Address Issues Privately
Public correction can activate shame responses and lead to explosive behavior. Help parents recognize the importance of addressing issues privately and preserving the child’s dignity. This may include pulling the child aside, discussing behavior out of earshot of siblings, or coordinating with teachers to avoid public discipline at school.
Use Restitution to Repair Harm
Support parents in framing discipline around repairing harm, not just punishment. Restitution can give the child an opportunity to rebuild trust and take responsibility. For example, if a child damages property, parents can require them to contribute to repairs through earned money or chores. This approach promotes accountability while reducing shame.
Teach Strategic Disengagement
Children with developmental trauma often attempt to draw caregivers into arguments or power struggles as a way to feel in control. Teach parents to disengage from escalating situations by calmly stating expectations and walking away. Encourage strategies like “tagging out” with another caregiver or briefly using noise-canceling headphones to avoid reactivity while maintaining safety.
Build Accountability Skills
Because children with developmental trauma often blame others or lie to avoid shame, parents may need support fostering accountability without escalating conflict. Suggest using accountability logs to track incidents and, when possible, having the child write down what happened. This can externalize the behavior and reduce defensiveness. For more information behind this, read “How Lying and Stealing from a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder is Different from Another Kid.”
Reframing the Goal for Parents
Clinicians often hear parents say their home feels like nonstop chaos. The rages, manipulation, and constant tension can quickly overwhelm even the most committed caregivers. This level of stress not only affects the child, but also threatens the stability of siblings and the well-being of parents — which is why guidance and external support become essential. To learn more, read “Reactive Attachment Disorder: What It Does to a Parent's Mind, Body and Soul” and “When the Other Children Shatter: The Glass Effect of Reactive Attachment Disorder on Siblings.”
Clinician insight — Forrest Lien, LCSW, a RAD Advocates approved provider, said: “Children with developmental trauma need healthy parents to manage the chaos by utilizing the strategies listed. If the chaos is not contained, the child will not feel safe and will continue giving their emotional conflict back to the parents, creating a lose/lose dynamic for the child and parents.”
Lien notes that it can be extremely difficult for parents to sustain this kind of management on their own — and that does not mean they are failing. Many parents simply do not have the tools or resources needed, and that is normal. Even when they understand the strategies, the demands of daily life make it nearly impossible to carry them out with perfect consistency. Parents often juggle the needs of other children in the home, work responsibilities, and basic household management. Depending on the severity of the child’s disorder, maintaining the level of structure and vigilance required around the clock to keep everyone safe can be unrealistic. Read “Treating Reactive Attachment Disorder: What Families Need to Know.”
Families should not feel shamed or blamed when these challenges become overwhelming. In those moments, RAD Advocates is available to walk alongside parents, offering advocacy, emotional validation, and guidance through options such as safety planning or, when necessary, considering out-of-home placement.
It can be helpful to remind parents that the goal of discipline is not to quickly eliminate challenging behaviors — which may be impossible without intensive intervention — but to protect the family’s mental and physical well-being. Clinicians can normalize that parents may need breaks, structure, and even outside placements at times to preserve stability for the whole family.
No matter the guidance you provide as a clinician, the most important thing you can do is to support and reassure the parents. Let them know that they are not failing. Parenting a child with developmental trauma is incredibly difficult and confusing. The goal is not to "love away" the trauma — that's simply not possible. Rather, it is to protect the family unit from the ripple effects of developmental trauma while still showing up for the child as safely as they can.
If parents are struggling to find resources, feel isolated, or are unsure how to move forward, connecting them with RAD Advocates can give them access to knowledgeable advocates, emotional validation, and practical next steps from people who understand the realities of parenting children with developmental trauma.
Interested in training and other opportunities to learn more about developmental trauma?
You don’t have to figure it out all on your own as a clinician.
Email RAD Advocates at info@radadvocates.org to learn more about professional development opportunities. Also, Forrest Lien’s clinical training modules for professionals will launch in 2026 as part of RAD Advocates’ educational initiatives.